Desi Life..or something like that

The Price Of Being Too Honest

2008-05-21T00:07:00.000-07:00

So, here's the update on the "Playa Guy" (see two posts back for all those going "Huh?"). I guess that little voice called my Intuition saved the day. Though I have had many experiences with my Inner Voice just ending up confusing things more. This time though, I'm glad I took the time to do some introspection and listen.

Player Guy (aka PG..though he was soooo not!) was not a cut and dry case for me. For one thing, I felt besides his past, he had a lot of qualities I'm looking for. He had the secure job, good family, and we got along greatl. But his blunt honesty about his past with women had me wondering. I started thinking..If I've waited this long, do I really want to settle for a Player? But I always give the good a chance before the bad, so I gave him a chance.

We dated for about a week. And then, once again, he decided to tell me everything. I felt like I was a priest and he was in Confession. He had told me about his weekend and how he took some clients at work out for dinner. And how he came home really late. Uh huh. And how they went to a strip club. Okay, A Strip Club..why couldn't you just leave that out. But he went on. I almost felt like he forgot he was talking to a girl he supposedly was interested in, and that we didn't know each other nearly that well for this candid talk. PG then proceeded to tell me how he lost over $900 that night. I secretly was hoping, he was mugged or something, and that's how he lost the money. But Mr Intuition was telling me otherwise.

PG nonchalantly tells me that he lost it on lap dances. I was silent for a while and then my mind started spinning away thinking about what exactly had to happen for him to spend $900 in a Strip Club. And it wasn't good. Whatever benefit of the doubt I had for him, was slipping away. And so were my thoughts of him being a future husband. I'm a pretty understanding and modern girl..but $900 for lap dances..and you're telling me?!..On the top ten list of dumb things to say to a girl, he definitely was winning. Let's just call it a day, and give him the trophy for Dumb Desi Guy of the Year. I am not the girl to be at a loss for words, but that day, he left me pretty speechless. I didn't know if he expected me to high five him or slap him. But I'm sure you can tell which one I would have picked.

I could have left it just like that and never called him again. But I'm not one for ending things like that. I had to tell him why. Maybe just to save the next poor girl from dealing with his lack of judgement. It wasn't about him being honest. I'm all for honesty. But I feel when you're first getting to know each other, and you have nothing solid between the two of you, telling a girl you spend mad cash at a Strip Club is not recommended.

He seemed pretty dumbfounded about the whole thing. And went into the whole reformed Player defense and how he's never met anyone like me. But my Intuition was screaming at me to run...run far away!! And that voice was too loud for me to ignore.

It didn't go past that date. But the experience left me feeling confused (and I feel a lot of that lately). I'm not sure if I'm upset that a guy was finally completely honest with me, and I couldn't handle what he had to say. Or if all guys act like that, but don't tell the girls they are dating. Either way, it's not a good situation.

It definitely left me with more questions than answers and wishing the whole dating thing was a teeny bit more simple. God, if you're listening..I need a break!

Lazy Alert

2008-04-22T00:50:00.000-07:00

Hello Lovelies!

Just replied to the comments for the last few posts. Sorry to everyone who posted and was wondering "Where the hell did she go??". I'm back. Yes, with my Lazy butt. It'll take me a while to update all the comments from way back when, so please be patient. Until then, check out my new posts.

To Tell The Truth..Or Not

2008-04-22T00:00:00.000-07:00

One of the guys I met recently is a self proclaimed Player. Yup, a player. Just hearing that I should have run for the hills and joined the witness protection program. But somehow, I haven't. Call it stupidity, naievity or maybe the fact that he didn't disclose this until I found him interesting. Yes, why don't we get her to like us and then we drop the A-bomb. Thank you very much! He's a 32 yr old with a good family and job. Yes with those details alone mama would be happy. Well, I think at this stage she'd be thrilled if I found anyone with a pulse (my mom's standards for me has drastically lowered over the years!). Initially I found him to have a lot of qualities I like. But his past bugs me.

Maybe he thinks just because he told me the truth, everything is A ok and I'm fine n' dandy with it. I on the other hand am wondering if I'm going to be "that" girl who had the warning signs and decided to try it anyway..and got burned by a cheating man in the end. And how I don't like the cheatin men!! (been there, don't want to go there, and probably will do a Lorenna Bobbit on the guy if I ever do!). He went on to tell me how he's done a lot of one night stands (the most recent was a couple months before we met). But that now that he's met me and how he thinks I'm all fantastic and all, that he's changed his ways and isn't that guy. Hmmm.

I'm wondering if its really good to tell the truth or not. I'm not saying be a liar liar pants on fire in a relationship, but if we are not the people we were in our pasts, is it really worth it to disclose things that could be detrimental to the relationship going anywhere. I know personally, that if I never knew this tidbit about him being a player, I probably would be viewing him in a very different way. But now that I know, it taints everything about him. I'm always left thinking if the boy was a player if he can ever get the player outta the boy. And its not like he was being like this years ago..his last one night stand was earlier this year.

I do give him props for telling me though. Most men would never be so daring. But now that I know, am I supposed to just forget about it or do I let it continue to play a part in my decision making. Ahhh, why is this so confusing!?

Hopefully I'll be able to figure this out soon. He's very eager (and thats an understatment) to get this show on the road. I'm not sure if he thinks he found the good girl (me) that he can bring home to mommy, or if he's really different. And beyond that, I'm unsure if I want to take the chance with a self proclaimed player.

To playa hate or not to playa hate...that is the question..

Back In Action

2008-03-05T20:11:00.000-08:00

Wow..has it been a looooong time or what since I've blogged! (..and the procrastination award goes to...) Well, even though its been a very long time, I'm back to writing again. ( I do appreciate all the readers comments and will try and go back and respond to them..it may take a while, so hang in there guys!).

Well, since my last post, lots has happened in my life..Still single. Still dating. I should be the new Carrie Bradshaw...Desi version. Though I'm still waiting for Mr Big. I've been meeting a lot of guys in the last while. Some are still in my life and some I'd like to forget. At least I can say, good or bad, they have taught me a lot about myself.

I'll have to break em' down post by post, since each situation could be an essay in its own right. I'm hoping that one of these guys will be "the One" (oh that wonderfully loaded term that we all are in the hunt for but is as hard to find as a Leprauchaun!). Dating is definitely getting tiring..or I'm just getting old. Probably both.

Oh well, its good to be back in the blogging world.

The Talk

2006-07-13T18:30:00.000-07:00

I had to go through "The Talk" today. No, not the birds and bees talk..but much worse. It's the Talk that every Desi (or anyone for that matter) or "marrigeable" age has to go through...or shall I say endure. Now, before I go into the details, lets just clarify that I've had this Talk before. Many times. I could write a book on the Talk. (hmm, not a bad idea, maybe I could warn pre-Talk Desi's all over the world, of the wrath of the Talk, and make milllllllions!..maybe not) .Today, the Talk I went through was so long and emotional that it struck a chord and left my mind a buzzin.

To those of you wondering what I'm babbling on about. The Talk is when your parents (or in today's case, my mom) sit you down and talk to you about the whole marriage smarriage topic. First, it starts with the casual "Are you talking to anyone?". Here, the conversation can go two ways. Either which can enduce more talking from the parent.
Option 1 -"Ya, I'm talking to a few people right now". Ooooh, not a good answer. I've done this and I've been grilled like I was a pig on a spitfire. I got the whole, "Why a few people, you need to figure out what you want and commit to someone already". Then I'll be grilled on the details about every person..including job, family, to every other miniscule detail they can think of. "No mom, he only has 2 cavities".
Option 2 - "No, I'm not talking to anyone, I've been really busy with____ (insert mindless excuse here)"
This reply is almost as bad as Option 1, maybe even worse. Here, I've gotten "So you don't want to get married then? You want to be single all your life?"..groan.

My mom started out todays Talk with the casual question and usually I'm able to come up with something to difuse the topic off the bat (ya, I'm that good). But today, I stuck with the cold, hard truth and told her there was noone. She looked upset. And I could tell her mind was churning away, thinking of every Aunty ji that she knew, who she could call and ask if they knew any eligible guys for her getting over- the- Hill daughter. But then that upset look started to get worse, and that's when I knew the Talk was headed into another direction. The guilt trip direction. If the casual question doesn't resolve the issue for Desi parents, then they head to good ol' guilt trip avenue. This is where they find any reason to make you feel disgustingly bad for not being hitched. My mom started off with "Have I been a bad mother? I thought you would be married with children by now & I'd be a grandmother". How do you reply to that? They have to throw in the grandchildren don't they! She kept going on and on about how she had so many dreams for me, and it hurts her that I don't have anyone to share my life with etc etc. Fyi..my mom's an expert at the guilt trip. And it was working. I was feeling crappy. Bottom of the toilet crappy. She started to paint this horrible scenario of me being alone for the rest of my life while the rest of my friends had someone. Had their 1.5 kids, husband and dog named Pinky. Well, she's not all wrong. Most of my friends are married and having kids (but so far Pinky hasn't shown up).

The conversation drawled on and on and by the end I was exhausted. Mentally drained and feeling depressed. Am I going to end up as a spinster or have to prowl the clubs years from now hitting on 22 year old guys? I don't know, but the Talk has got me worried. I thought about everything from "Am I not good enough for any of these guys?" to "When will my crappy guy-picking luck end?". But I had no answers, just questions. Life truely isn't easy on the dating track and I wish sometimes my mom would just plunk some guy in front of me and I would say "Where have you been all my life?". But this isn't a Harlequin romance. It's my life. And it's affecting more than me. My mom was almost in tears by the end of the Talk and I didn't know what to say to make her feel better. I know she doesn't want to see me alone. Hell, I don't want to see me alone. But for now, I would rather do this alone then be with someone who doesn't make my heart sing.

I opened up and told my mom that, and to some extent I'm sure she understands but she still thinks I'm just being picky. Oh, if only she knew half of the dingbats I went out with/met, then she'd realize that it wasn't about being picky but just not throwing my life away to any loser.

I told her I'd try harder (whatever that means) to find someone. I don't know if she or I felt any better after the Talk. But I hope I don't have to go through many more Talks. My tolerance is waning.

If any of you reading this have had this wonderful conversation with your mom or pops, I'd like to hear what you were through or how your dealin. And for those who haven't had it yet...one word...Beware.

Crossing the Line

2006-07-10T21:05:00.000-07:00

Friends and Lovers..they are distinct, marked in permanent Jiffy marker ink, lines between the two. The problem happens when one party wants to cross the line, and the other party (aka me) is taken off guard. This is what happened yesterday.

I went to chill at a friends place where there was a get together. Lots of yummy food, laughing, basically it was a great time. All up until, one of my guy friends, lets call him Mr Sneak Attack (Mr SA for short) asked to talk to me privately. So we stepped outside and had some small talk about yadda yadda and blah blah blah and then he drops the bomb. The "I like you" bomb. We went from talking about the weather and World Cup to I Like You and I have since the very beginning. Geez. Its all great if you like him back, but when someone who you've always thought as a friend crosses the line, it becomes one messy situation. I was surprised and I told him that. There were NO signs whatsoever. I told him that. How and when and why did he feel this way and why didn't I know about it. He said he didn't want me to know and that he just always felt this way. Uh huh. Mark a tick on the wall for complicated men.

Mr SA is not just a friend, but more like an acquaintance- friend. I know him, but I don't. But all in that 15 minute chat, I learned more than I'd like to know. Firstly, he's 7 years younger than me. Yes, 7 years. I know, you're going to say the whole Aaliyah "Age Ain't Nuttin But A Number" line (and he said those exact words) and I'm not one to judge a guy on his age. But 7 years between men and women is like dog years, which roughly equates to 30 something years. Not good. So he went on about maturity and how he's very mature. Ok, if he is, I can give him that. But then the conversation took a turn. He was no longer just crossing the line. He was jumping over the line like he was in the Olympics. He started telling me about all the women he's dated and after a few questions on my part, decided to disclose the fact that he's had both one night stands and also an affair with a married woman. Mature? Try again buddy.

Then Mr SA tells me " You know, if I come over to your place one day and we have a few drinks, and do something or even just make out, I won't tell anybody". Where on earth did that come from? It's one thing to tell someone who was just a friend that you like her, but it's another to insinuate that you want a little action. I was speechless. I guess he missed the day when God passed out the gene for subtlty because all of a sudden this conversation got more than a tad uncomfortable.

Just then, one of our friends came out to tell us they were going to have dessert inside. Saved by the Bell. Phew! But just as I was getting ready to go in, Mr SA, decides to bury the so called friend line in the dirt. He comes up to me, so close that I could count how many pores he had, and tried to kiss me.

Shocked, startled..who knows what I was, but I moved away luckily and asked him what did he think he was doing? Well, I knew what he wanted to do, but this guy gave no space for me to answer if I liked him back or not. He was making the decision for the both of us. I think not. I told him we should stay as just friends and I clearly didn't know him well enough to start anything with him. The weird crossing the line conversation ended and I left for inside, confused about what just happened.

Thought it was over. Believed it was over. But later that night after I left the party, I got a text on my phone: "You looked so hot today. I had fun talking. Can't wait to see you again"

And the drama continues...

I'm Back!

2006-06-24T21:12:00.000-07:00

It's been a LONG time since my last post. Sorry to all of you in Blog Land who were tuning in. Hopefully there are still a few dedicated souls out there who are checking back now and then : )

So why the hiatus you ask? It roughly boiled down to life's toils and troubles jumping on my back and not letting go. Also, I must admit I got a little lazy. Ok..a LOT lazy. But you forgive me right? (just say yes). Hopefully I'll be updating this blog more often and you'll be coming back with your great comments.

The last while has been pretty rough. I basically fell for someone, got my heart broken into a million teeny, tiny, itsy pieces and now am back..trying to find that someone who can Crazy Glue my heart back together. Believe me, this is no easy task.

I realize that as the older I get, the more confusing this "love thing" becomes, and just when I think I understand men, I meet the one who sends me back to square 1. At this rate, I should just join a convent. Oh how I wish the odds of that not happening were better!

So Welcome Back to my Blog and I'll update the very latest in my next chapter.

The Reality of Reality Shows

2005-10-27T18:17:00.000-07:00

Usually I'm not a chick who's into meaningless Reality Shows, but this past weekend, I got sucked into watching them. It's kind of like seeing an accident..even if you don't want to watch it, you can't look away. It was an all time low for Desi Diva :)

I'm not sure if any of you have seen the Surreal Life (VH1), but apparently there's a spin off from last season (yes, as if we want to suffer any more). It's called "Strange Love" and its follows the relationship of Flavor Flav (the guy from Public Enemy with the huge clock necklace and the infamously creepy gold teeth) and Brigitte Nielson (the once upon a time wife of Sylvester Stallone who now is old, played out looking with the fakest boobs ever). I don't know what kept me watching through that episode..was it seeing two people who you'd never, in a million years, imagine being together? I'm not sure. I have to say though, that Flavor Flav is one of the crustiest men I've ever seen. He's short and creepy looking and always is screaming " Flaaaaaaaaavor Flav!". Groan.

If that wasn't bad enough, I watched an even crappier show called "Tommy Lee Goes To College". Yes, it was the beginning of the end. Just the title spells disaster. The show sucked. I was bored as hell. Enough said.

I'm not sure what's happening to T.V. but it seems to be getting worse. Once upon a time, there actually were decent shows. Now you have to sift through a lot of crap just to find something worth your time. Flip. Flip. My remote control gets a workout more than I do. The only ones I that I think are good are Apprentice and Amazing Race. But even Apprentice is going down the toilet lately, with people like Omarosa and the most recent bitch de jour..Toral Mehta. If anyone has watched the show, they'll see how this chick is giving Desi girls everywhere a bad image.

But by far, I think the worst Reality shows are those makeover shows. Extreme Makeover, The Swan, I Want A Famous Face. Do I have to go on? Why don't we just show people that all you need in life is a little plastic surgery to be a better person. What the hell happened to the worth of a good personality? All these shows are doing is fueling more superficiality in Society.

The sad thing is..I think it's only going to get worse. I understand people have a little voyeuristic tendency and they want to see real people's lives..but come on people, where is the "reality"? Most of these shows seem more staged than anything else and half of these "real" people are just on these shows for their 15 minutes of fame. It's the poor man's way to get into the entertainment biz.

Well, hopefully I'm not the only one who's at her Reality Show limit. Let me know what you think of them.

Comments on the Hmmm Guy

2005-10-25T17:39:00.000-07:00

I've had some time since my last post to do some introspection. (plus, I've been insanely busy at work..so didn't have the chance to update..I know bad, bad diva!). It helped to have insightful and brutally honest replies to my Hmmm guy issue, from all of you. Sometimes it's good to have someone else's perspective on your behavior and the situation at hand. So THANK YOU to all my lovelies (Jax, IGD, Solyluna, Avec Amy, Far, Sanith). Big hugs to all of you, for giving me just the kick in the pants that I needed! You are hereby deemed my Blog Angels:)

Since I had very different comments (half of you understood how I felt and the rest were rooting for Hmmm guy) to my last post..I thought I'd just respond here (there are some basic replies to your comments in the comment section of my last post). Otherwise, my reply to your comments would end up being the length of a thesis. And then all of your eyes would burn from too much blog reading. (see, I'm thinking about you..not me!)

I'd also like to clear up some of the misunderstandings from that post and my behavior. First off, he never told me to pay for his hotel. I did it on my own accord (and I know how a lot of you were gasping about that). I felt it only fair to cover his stay as he was flying all the way here to see me. We had developed a friendship by then, and it was just me being nice to one of my friends (even though this friend was coming for a date). Also, I didn't want him coming here with any assumed expectations (ie He's paying for everything, so he's assuming I'll be a little more "friendly"..no, I wanted to see him on equal ground). I know a lot of you think I'm "cuckoo for coco pops" for doing that and in hindsight, it may have been stupid to pay for his stay (due to the way he acted after), but I don't regret it.

Secondly, I never said I paid for all the meals..just some of them. Again, it's just something I do with friends and on dates. (and if I don't pay, I at least ALWAYS offer.. I ain't cheap like that) I'm not the girl who expects the man to pay for everything. I'm much more progressive. And plus, who says a girl can't spoil the guy? I'm not sure if I should change that part of my personality or not. But it's really something I do with all friends/dates. (damn, am I sounding like I'm Polyanna or what?!). Also, if Semi BD had been sitting back enjoying me being a Sugar
Mama, I wouldn't have thought of him as being a gentleman.

About me writing him to find out what the hell happened..Dumb! Dumb! Dumb! I know, I shouldn't have done it, but it's just me giving him the benefit of the doubt. And I do that way too often for my own good. I just hated being left in the dark. I'm not a desperate gal in any way, but I just wanted to be treated with respect by someone I treated that way (I guess that "Do unto others as they do to you" rule must have been ingrained in my head as a kid..gee, thanks mom)

More so, was the fact that we developed a friendship for over a year. What the hell happened to that? If he was a REAL blind date, who I never met before, believe me, this would have been so much easier. But because I spent hours on the phone with this guy, talking about everything and anything, it wasn't simple.

Those of you who were upset that something may have happened to dear ol Hmmm guy and were letting their imaginations run wild..don't worry. He is not hanging from a spit in the Island of Cannibals waiting to be eaten by the Aboriginees. I actually found out earlier, from a friend who knows him, that he's fine n' dandy. I also did NOT offend him in any way during our weekend, as some of you assumed. If I did something wrong, I wouldn't be wondering what happened after our weekend. On the contrary, while he was here, he was complimenting me and telling me how great a time he had. He also said we should catch up again...now, would any of your guys do all of that if you DIDN'T have a good time? I thought so.

So now, after all is said and done, I'm STILL unsure of what happened. But then again, that's just life. You'll never be able to explain everything that happens to you and so I'll just have to put this one into the Hmmm Files.

Hopefully the next guy that comes along will be more clear in what he wants or will at least come with an Owners Manual...pray for me people!

The Case Of The Hmmmm Guy

2005-10-17T20:34:00.000-07:00

I was going to write this post earlier, about a cool guy I met, but as time has passed the cool guy has morphed into a "Hmmm" guy. That's basically one of those guys who you have NO idea how they feel. Where it's beyond the inital sexiness of a little mystery and instead has gone down the path of "Does he like me or doesn't he"questions (oh no..I feel like I'm in High School all over again!). I never thought I'd meet a Hmmm Guy, but I guess it's a rite of passage in every girl's life. And my time has come. Read my story and you'll understand why this Diva is soooo confused.

I went on a Semi Blind Date last weekend. "Semi" since we met about a year ago at a party. I talked to him briefly outside (and it was getting dark) and we only talked for a few minutes. And after a year, I can't completely remember what he looks like (ok..I remember he was cute but it was dark people!! So I guess not having a clear image of what he looks like qualifies in the Blind Date category)

After that, Semi BD dude got my number and called me up. He sounded pretty cool so we kept in touch here and there for the past year. One thing that kept me intrigued was that he could keep up the conversation. There are some guys who can't talk and this wasn't one of them. So he definitely got points for using his brain (the one in his brain that is..and not the one dwelling down south)

Well, about a month ago, he told me he wanted to finally meet me and wanted to come to my neck of the woods. His plan was to fly down and spend the weekend and see if there was the possibility of anything more than friends. I enjoyed getting to know him on the phone, so what could it hurt to see if there was some chemistry to this. So I agreed. I agreed with the condition that there would be no expectations. We would meet and see if there was anything more, and if there wasn't we would be honest about how we felt..either way.

Well, he came last weekend and though I was a little freaked at spending the weekend with a man I hardly knew, at the same time it was exciting. When you can talk to someone for hours on the phone about anything and everything, you do have a little hope that maybe it could be just as amazing in person. I spent the whole time taking him out for yummy food, a movie, a night cap at this place with the most fabulous dessert and we even caught a comedy club.

The first day (Saturday) it was going great. Though Semi BD didn't look as cute as I imagined him to be, he still was pretty engaging with his conversation...and plus, I'm never the type to just write off someone based on looks. He would throw compliments at me, here and there, but the flirting stopped there. He never tried to make a move on me once. Wasn't quite sure what to think about that, except that he was being a total gentleman (but that was when the Hmmm thoughts began). After the comedy club, he looked really tired, so I told him I would drop him back at his hotel. He didn't try to stay.

The next day was also great. He kept apologizing for being tired and wanted to stay in town longer, but had to work the next day.We were laughing, joking and getting along so well. But again, nothing beyond the realm of friendship happened. Hmmmm. I'm not saying I wanted him to jump me or anything, but his perfect gentleman behavior really left me wondering how he felt. Did he like me or what!? And I've had a ton of experiences with guys just acting on their testosterone, so I really didn't know how to deal with a guy who treated me like this.

Anyway, I dropped him off at the airport and was wondering how he would say goodbye. Handshake..Hug..or Kiss. I got a hug. It was a long hug though. Hmmmm. He left saying how he had such a great time.

Well, this is when the Hmmm story shifts into overdrive. I haven't heard from him in over a week. No texts, phone calls or emails. I thought at the least I would get a thank you for taking him out. But nada..nothing. He told me over dinner when were talking about our bad and good date stories, that he usually has a 2 day rule for calling girls and that he's usually polite enough to call girls where he felt nothing with. So now that it's more like 8 days gone..no polite phone calls..what am I supposed to think?

This is when I wish guys would say what they feel and cut the B.S. games. If he likes me, we should have talked about it. And if he didn't, fine..I'm a big girl, I can get over it. Plus, I'm not entirely sure what I feel inside about him. I wasn't thinking.."Wow, He's The Man!"..But I wasn't horrified either. We had a lot in common and got along well, so I felt like we could have explored this more. But since Semi BD hasn't made any communication, I don't know what to think anymore.

I wasn't going to get in touch with him and leave the ball in his court, but I relented today and dropped him an email. Telling him I didn't hear from him so just wanted to say hi and if he got some time that he could write me back..no pressure. I know, it may have sounded a bit desperate. But really, I just hated being left in Hmmm Limbo, that I had to do something. I also am a sucker for giving people the benefit of the doubt. Ya, this means thinking that he was busy trying to save the world or something and thats why he couldn't call me. Well, not that bad, but maybe something happened..right? Ah..now I'm not sure if I'm being too nice or just being stupid. Again, I haven't really had this experience of not knowing what a guy feels about me to know how to react.

What are the rules after you spend an entire weekend with someone? Was I supposed to call him or him call me? I'm not that traditional in that I was expecting the man to pursue me completely, but if you're interested in me, then I think that I have the right to know. At the very least, all I think I deserve was a simple thank you. (I did pay for his hotel stay and for a few of our meals.)

Well, I guess I'll just wait and see. Not impressed by the lack of communication, but hey, if he wants to be a Hmmm guy, then he can spend the rest of his days Hmmm'ing away. And if anyone can shed some light on what the hell he may have been thinking..please do.

Commitment Claustrophobia

2005-10-03T18:20:00.000-07:00

This post was born, from a request from Sanith, one of my Blog Readers. He posed the question to me " What is it that makes Commitment so difficult?" and asked me to write a post on it. Honey, I could go on about this fo'ever! So here goes..those of you standing, please sit down..this may be a long one:)

We all have our views on this loaded word. So I thought I'd look it up. Just so we are all on the same page:

Commitment - The state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to a course of action or to another person or persons.

Hmmm.."bound" emotionally to another person. Bound..as in Handcuffs? Sounds like some kinky S&M to me! Ok, enough with the bad jokes. Seriously, I think the word has much more meaning than the dictionary definition. Otherwise, we can all say we are commited to someone out there (eg, mom, dad, girlfriend, boyfriend, cat, chia pet) with no problemos whatsoever. The definition may make commitment seem like such a simple thing to attain and keep. When actually its far from that.

I think a lot of people have what I call Commitment Claustrauphobia (yes, another Desi Diva invented word for y'all).. Lets just call it CC so you don't sprain your tongue having to say it. Where Claustrophobia is "a fear of being in an enclosed space". It basically is "the fear of not having an easy escape route.". You feel like you need to get out..quickly!. Combine this with Commitment and we have people who are scared of being trapped in a relationship with no way out. I think all of us have a little CC in them and some of us are even full fleged, "I got the CC Ph.D" peeps. So maybe asking ourselves why commitment is so difficult or scary will help all of us understand this issue, and maybe we'll be able to join the "I do" crew one day.

What most of us REALLY feel commitment entails, is having a huge responsibility to someone, dumped on us. Its signing yourself over to someone with a permanent ink marker. Once you've done it, you can't go back. Oooooh, that sounds final.

When we enter into a committed marriage, what we're supposed to be feeling is " I love you so much, that now, I only want to spend my time with you. You are the apple of my eye and I am going to do all that I can to make you happy." Yadda Yadda Yadda.

But what a lot of us are REALLY feeling may give us an internal dialogue filled with "What If" thoughts, which ends up sounding kinda like this:

"I do love you, but I'm scared shitless that I may be making a wrong decision. There are so many other hotties out there, and what if one of them is my Mr/Miss Perfect, how do I really know if you're "The One"?? . Am I selling myself short? Maybe all these mushy feelings inside are just lust and not love?. What if I'm totally wrong about you? What if this happy snappy wonderful relationship, gets shot to hell after I commit to you and you become a dragon lady/man who drives me crazy? What then??? What if..we stop loving each other? I don't know if I can go through anoooother breakup."

Making such FINAL decisions are also not easy or natural in our world. We're so used to changing channels, clothes, eating this or that, getting into flings and getting flung out of them. Life for the typical girl/guy can be very adaptable and temporary. We always have a choice with most things, if we no longer like them. But with the "C" word, all of a sudden, you're having to stay in something, through the good, the bad and the ugly. Its giving your word to stick through it, even when the relationship makes a detour to Crap Ville. That can and is scary for a lot of us.

And although most of us want to be with one person in a loving relationship (this excluded Hugh Hefner), the commitment that we are expected to give can be very daunting. We're looking for the fabulous relationship but scared of staying in it. We want one without the other. And just like a cheap suits and polyester, commitment and responsibility go inexplicably hand in hand. There's no way around it.

Some people with CC may feel that noone is good enough for them. We've all grown up hearing Fairy Tales and are practically inundated with marriage ideals from society/media. We're expecting that "the one" will be someone absolutely perfect. He/she will look, act and be everything that you've dreamed of. I thought at one time too, that Mr Perfect was out there and would just land on my doorstep, but the longer I've been on this planet and the more I mature (or at least try to!), I realize that perfection is a unrealistic desire. I have guy friends who have backed out of commitment (relationship or marriage) because they thought they would be missing out on finding Miss Perfect. Their girlfriend had flaws and that was too much for them to accept. I think looking for some contrived perfection will only cause CC'ers to lose out in the end. The guy/girl may be hot, but sooner or later the flaws will surface. Time will pass them by, until one day they are old and alone. I think it's more rational and logical to commit to someone who is more or less like you in the major ways (these depend on whats important to you, but some major ways could be religion, education, interests etc) and wing it from there.

Other CC's may have lost faith that love could ever be everlasting. Either they've had bad relationships or have grown up with parents who weren't happy. And in a lot of Indian Parent marriages , they've just stuck it out because they felt they had no choice. Divorce was the ultimate taboo, so even though they weren't in love or had nothing in common, they remained commited..even more so, for the sake of the children. And don't we all know people like this..even sometimes I feel like my own parents weren't the most compatible for each other. Sure they care about each other and have grown to love each other over the years, but they are very different people. And like two mountain goats, I've seen them butt heads over the years. Maaaany times. They had an arranged marriage though, so I guess for them commitment wasn't a choice it was mandatory.

Personally, I think this has pushed the CC button in me, since I want to find someone who will be completely compatible with me and who I'll have a happy marriage with, but I'm scared that I'll just repeat my parents mistakes.

For those people who grew up in a loving house, they haven't escaped the wrath of CC-dom either. These people have seen a lot of friends, family and strangers get married and then divorced. Its a sad fact, but so many people in our age group, are doing the marriage thang only to figure out later that they weren't meant to be and they want out. Our generation, has moved on from that of our parents, and if we don't like married life..we leave. Are those people having a delayed CC reactions? Probably.

So either we've grown up seeing our parents with CC or our friends. I think that plants the seed in all of us, for our own commitment fears.

So what the hell are CC's scared of? Here's some of the icky fears we may have of commitment:

...Not Making Your Partner Happy

Part of the commitment entails making and keeping your girl or guy happy. And unless this is your first relationship, and you're the perfect gf/bf/human..you are bound to have a history of relationships that didn't work out for whatever reason. All this baggage just makes us feel more insecure if we can make this commitment thing work or not . And ultimately the CC fears having to feel Failure. (yup, the other "F" word)

...Getting hurt..again.
This goes back to the baggage we have from past relationships and the fear of not making this one work. Also, after making a public commitment like marriage and seeing sooo many people get divorced, a CC'er may be scared of taking the risk.

..That your Independence will be gone..foooorever!
This is a biggy. When you're dating, you have a different commitment level. And I'm sure there are those of you who are in lusty love, who are going to be saying that you already feel like you're married. But believe me, from every friend and family member I know who's gotten married, it ain't the same.

When you're a girl/boyfriend, you still have a life. You can see your friends, keep other interests, do whatever..all while having a significant other. When you're married & committed, you have more responsibilites than taking care of yourself. Suddenly there is Jane or Joe Smoe sleeping beside you in bed, who wants to know where his socks are, whats for dinner, or why the dishes aren't clean.

A lot of married people no longer spend time with their single friends (ie me!). Now its all about doing the couple thing, and for those thinking of taking the plunge and getting married..this can all be scary. Though there are a lot of understanding husbands and wives out there, there are also many who have cracked the whip and having girls or boys night out is now as rare as Halley's comet.

..No longer being attracted to your spouse
We're all going to grow old and wrinkly as a Sharpei Puppy, but for those plagued with CC, they fear having to sleep with one person for the rest of their lives. I think men may feel this fear more than women. But we experience it too. Before marriage, everyone puts their best foot forward and tries to look hot for their bf or gf. But after the wedding bells have rang, the makeup comes off (your wife now looks like Phyllis Dillar), the gym memberships stop getting renewed (oh honey, its just more of me to love), and you see your girl or guy in a whole new physical light ( a blindingly bright, this is reality light). This is the point when the CC may be screaming for his rose colored glasses?!

...Not getting along with your In Laws
If your Indian and you've seen any Bollywood movie or soap opera, you'll be inundated with the mother and daughter-in-law trials and tribulations they show. We've all heard the old line "you marry the family and not just the person", and I believe this to be very true. CC people fear having to spend time and get along with in laws who they don't know too well or whom they hate (grrrr).

...Having to deal with the much dreaded, "Honey Do.." Syndrome
This translates into marital expectations being slapped onto you before you know what hit you. CC peeps shudder at the thought of saying "I do " and then,all of a sudden, having to deal with "Honey Do this..or Honey Do that"

Go get the groceries..vacumn the floor..put the toilet seat down...stop being a slob..make me some Roti woman!..and on and on and on...

...Financial & Debt Woes..Oh my!
You or your cutie pie are entering into a Marriage, ridden with Student Loans or sky high Credit card bills, and the stress of it all freaks the CC in you out. You've heard that Money is the number #1 reason for Divorce...and that only gives you more reason to back away from Commitment.

....From Lovers to Strangers
We've all seen those couples at restaurants who are sitting across from each other saying nothing. Chewing away on their food,they look lost and sad. This is one of my fears. I don't think there's anything wrong with having quiet moments when you're together, but when those moments drift into years, it gives me the CC heebie jeebies.

I'm sure there are other fears to contend with on the CC laundry list..too many to mention. And I couldn't cover them all, since they all depend on you and what your own personal worries are.

So now the next logical question is: What do we do about these fears? Apart from visiting your local therapists couch, I think it largely comes down to every CC to take the leap. It's hard to accept that a commited relationship will not be a perfect one. And I doubt any relationship is going to be free from some of these problems. But once your expectations of what commitment will be like change, you're less likely to be disappointed.

I do believe that, if we can silence those fears inside, maybe we'll have the chance to share and experience something amazing. From what I hear from my married friends, it ain't all that bad. Sure they have to deal with their kids spitup and/or their husbands laziness..but in the end, all the trials and tribulations have caused them to grow closer. And they say they wouldn't trade it for anything.

Getting over the CC fears, involves being truthful with yourself. Somewhere inside of us, we all have the answers. It's usually that little voice that we tend to ignore, that tells us the most. Committing to someone will give us a life that will be different from Singledom...no doubt about it. But different doesn't necessarily have to mean bad. And I think those fears don't necessarily have to become reality, if you really are aware of them and work on things. Thats why I'm giving these fears a voice in this post. To show that many of us are going through the same feelings. And that perhaps by bringing this all to light, commitment will really seem less intimidating.

I guess to me, ultimately it's Friendship and Communication which are key. Looks will fade, he will start looking like Grover from Sesame Street..but its the deep bond which I hope will connect me to my future lovey. I'm banking that will keep the commitment fresh.

Now all I have to do is take care of one minor detail..FIND HIM
(Ah! Damn those minor details!)

You Too Can Be A Pickup Guru

2005-09-30T01:41:00.000-07:00

Late last night when I was channel surfing, I saw an interesting segment on a show. It was about the new trend for men trying to get a date. There are so-called Dating Experts, who apparently are so gifted with the ladies that they teach dorky guys how to pickup women. Yes..what is the world coming to!? Trying to turn Geeks into Tres Chic.

These geeky guys are paying up to $2000 for a 3 day seminar, where they are schooled in the art of picking up women. Is an idiot born every second or what?! Apparently, these "schools" are so successful, that there was a "International Pickup Artists Convention" in Montreal recently! Damn, I wish I could have been there, so I could've slapped out all those Con Artists..I mean, Pickup Artists. I've heard way too many "drippin with cheese" pickup lines in my time.

What they are teaching these guys is to be the Bad Boy. Not the "I drive a Harley" Bad Boy, but the type of Bad Boy you'd like to drop kick to the floor. These dating newbies are told to be more like a "grabby older brother" and actually mock or tease the women, instead of trying to pick them up.Okay..unless you live in the Deep South and your last name is Bumpkin, I couldn't imagine any brotherly teasing to be a turn on. As for the teasin, well they are taught to say things like "Talking to you is like pulling teeth" or "Your teeth kinda remind me of Bugs Bunny". The dude who used the last one in a Home Depot, actually walked away with the girls number. And get this..she was a Playboy Playmate.

Now before all you male blogreaders run out to the clubs, trying to scam every woman you meet with these icky lines. Beware, it didn't work on everyone. And I don't think we can use the Playmate as a good example, since I'm sure she was so shot up with Silicone that she thought he was giving her a compliment. Most women would roll their eyes or think you were out of your mind, if you came out with something like that.

I think the dudes going to these Pickup Schools, are really just looking for Confidence. Because really, confidence is a hellava more attractive then getting insulted in a club. If you're going to pay 2 G's for that..save your money! (or better yet, send it to me..to Desi Diva's Blog Fund!).

Women like Real, Honest Men. No Slimy lines. No B.S. Just be yourself. Yourself, with a little deodorant and a dazzling smile. And if the ladies don't like it..move on, because they really weren't worth your time.

(And somehow if you're able to land a Playboy Playmate with one of these cheesy lines...you can officially call yourself a Pickup Guru!)

Living In Our Desi Bubble

2005-09-27T15:35:00.000-07:00

Us, humans, are very self absorbed creatures. We're only interested in the world when it involves us, someone we know, or is plastered on CNN. Then after time has passed, and we've gabbed about it or "ooohed and aaahed" about it enough..its forgotten. And we're back into our Bubble (or Desi Bubble, in my case).

I've always thought there's more to this life than just living. And I have fought life in the Desi Bubble for years. I don't want to just get married, have my 2 kids, white picket fence, dog and then die one day. How did I spend my life? What did I really do while I was on this planet? And when its all said and done and when I'm a 90 year old with false teeth, Will I be content looking back on my life and knowing that my trivial little problems required so much of my energy that I couldn't spend it on anything else of importance?

A lot of Desi people tend to lead the "safe" life. This means picking the safe career (doctor, lawyer, pharmacist, engineer, dentist etc), marrying the safe life partner (good indian boy/girl, with a good family, good reputation, educated etc), and filling their life with safe life choices. They go to safe, typical vacation spots, consume their lives with making a living and buying "stuff" and are happy with keeping their lives within their Bubble.

Life in the Bubble is a good one. Here you don't have to really worry about poverty in Africa (because its not your Bubbles responsibility to deal with it), or figure out what part you play in this thing we call Humanity (since its so much easier to deal with our day to day problems and forget that we're part of something bigger)

But do you wonder why you're here?..We can't be here just to take up space and watch MTV. Or to fill our conversations with discussions of who will win Apprentice. Its important to live your life in whatever corner of the world you're in, but I do think we should all be looking to lead our lives in a more complete way. Meaning that, we need to make some contribution to society.

I'm not sure whats going to happen when I'm gone one day, but I'd like to think this life I was given, was a chance for me to do something positive while I was here. In a way, I think whatever higher power has created us, keeps creating people as chances for humanity to get our act together. But so many of us, do nothing beyond the scope of ordinary life. If you imagine what our world would be like if all of us contributed a little something..it would be pretty phenomenal.

Ever since I was a wee little girl..I've always felt that internal pull. Always wondering why I'm here and never content with planning a conventional life. So many of my friends love their Bubble and when I try and talk to them about a deeper meaning to life..they shrug their shoulders and laugh it off. Like who really cares about doing anything more. Instead they look at me confused, wondering why I don't just go with the flow. Why I think about my purpose here. Its not like I spend hours a day obsessing about it, but it is something that affects the core of me.

They would rather join the generations of Desi's who like to "Keep up with the Jone's". It's always about having a better car, kids who have an amazingly, extravagant wedding, a big house and ending up with lots and lots of things. I can't say I don't like having stuff either (I love hot cars, clothes, and shoes) but I really can't say it consumes me. I would rather find out what my purpose is here, sometime during this time period we call Life, than to just ignore it and do what everyone else is doing. It scares me to think my life could pass me by and be wasted.

I also feel we look at monumental people like Mother Theresa, Gandhi, or Martin Luther King and view them as Superhumans. Almost like they have something in them that we coudn't possibly have. I think we all have the capacity to change something in this world and make it better. Perhaps, not to the level of the people I mentioned. But we all do have potential. The only thing that holds us back is the fear to try.

Desi people usually allow someone else to solve the worlds problems. Not wanting to protest or speak up about things that bother them. Let someone else do it while we wait by the sidelines, they say. Lets just complain quietly to our familes. And maybe someone else in this world, will do something and make it go away.

I suppose thats why volunteering has always been important to me. I've always tried to make a difference to someone or something. But still, I feel its not enough. Maybe I'm too hard on myself or maybe I'm just frustrated about Bubble Life. Who knows.

Whichever way it is, I hope someday I will realize what I'm here for. And that I will be fearless enough to do something about it. That I will live my life and not let it live me.

And hopefully..you will too.

What Men REALLY Want

2005-09-25T16:40:00.000-07:00

Since I share my views on Dating, Men and Life on this Blog, from a Female perspective. I thought today, I would share a man's point of view.

I came across this article..author unknown (maybe after you read this you'll realize why this guy didn't reveal his name..maybe because he didn't want to have all the women coming after him..with knives in their hands!). It's all about finding a wife..But not any wife. A beautiful wife.

I read it with an open mind, though the title made me wonder if I should or not delve into these superficial ideas. But I did, and now I know why some (not all..cuz I still have hope) Men (esp. Desi men) are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Ok..I know men are visual creatures, but this is crazy!!

And if THIS is the way men really think..I may be single for quite a long time (eeks! is it time to join the convent yet?)

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ARRANGED MARRIAGE: THE SEARCH FOR BEAUTY

( A collection of tips to find a beautiful wife)

If you are a typical, single, Indian man who lives in the USA, the time will come when it will dawn on you that the only chance you have to indulge in wedded bliss lies in the hallowed institution of the"Arranged Marriage".

You probably left India when you were twenty-one, having squandered your adolescence striving to get here. At this point, you are twenty-five or older, and have been out of touch with the general Indian female population for more than a decade. All the women you know back home are married.

This manual is written for those of you who harbor hopes of acquiring a beautiful arranged bride.If you belong to the rarified set of intellectuals to whom the external female form holds no charms, and those who evaluate others according to the quality of their inner selves, this manual is not for you.

No, this manual is for the rest of you, mere mortals, who still have enough red blood in their veins so that you can admit, even to yourselves, that you rather like the idea of having a beautiful wife. Of course, before I even go about describing how to acquire beauty, it is necessary to define it. And this is where I expect the most disagreement.

There will be those among you who proclaim, "But beauty is in the eye of the beholder!" And you would be partly right. If you are a man who equates beauty to facial attractiveness, there is not much that this manual can do for you. You are a very fortunate man, for Indian women have the most beautiful faces of any race in the world. You have a very large pool to choose from, and you do not need much help in choosing, because you can look at each prospective bride's face and decide whether she is beautiful or not.

No, this is written for those who would like their wife to have a good figure too. For you, the job is harder. Typically, Indian women do not get much physical exercise, and consequently, if they are not scrawny,tend to be on the overweight side. Why do you think sarees are so popular in India? Because they can hide all the embarrassing bulk!

Some men think that Indian women do not have shapely legs by reasons of genetics. I say to them, check out the figures of the IA (ABCD to you politically incorrect guys) women. They are on par with anything I have seen on any other race. This is because IA women work out and take care to keep themselves in shape. You cannot go covering yourself up around here, not if you want to get dates.If you are one of those academic types who have not given much thought to the matter, or merely one of those blighters who like to ask intelligent questions to which you already know the answers, and ask me, "But why does one NEED a beautiful wife?" I would reply that beauty is a double edged sword. It has its advantages and disadvantages, some of which I summarize below.

Advantages of having a beautiful wife.

a) A beautiful girl is much easier to adjust to than an unattractive one. You will be much more tolerant of her faults during the initial "adjustment" phase of marriage, simply because you willnot have the heart to get irritated with someone so lovely. She will be much easier to forgive after a fight.

b) If you are the typical desi engineer, you will not be exactly Adonis Reborn. If your wife is homely too, your child will probably look like the Swamp Thing, or the Blob. If you love your unborn children, you owe it to them to give them a beautiful mother.

c) A beautiful wife enhances your social stature. People will look at you and think, "How the ^&*% did that !@## land such a gorgeous babe? He must have something that is not visible on the outside!" You will get invited to more parties, especially by men who want to spend the evening drooling at her. Conversely, if your wife is homely, you will be rather embarrassed to take her to gatherings ofyour friends, especially if they are all married to knockouts.

d) And most importantly, sex will be much better if your wife is good-looking. Otherwise, after a couple of years when the pent-up horniness of the past 25+ years has worn off, you probably will not be even able to get it up, unless you resort to ungentlemanly andundignified tactics, like fantasising about Sridevi when you are inbed.

Disadvantages of having a beautiful wife.

a) If you are one of those for whom innocence, virtue, and chastity are important, beautiful women are not for you. My empirical research shows that, while beauty (or the lack of it) in a woman is in no way indicative of her intelligence, beautiful women are invariably very street-smart. They KNOW that they are good looking, and have got used to people bending over backwards to accommodate them. This dawns on them very early on in life, when they observe that teachers are much nicer to them than to their less-attractive friends, when almost all the men they encounter behave like brainless, testosterone-driven apes in their presense, when they observe that they get things done twice as quickly in a government office.As a teenager in college, a beautiful woman would have had lots of men vying with each other for her friendship and affections. She would have to be more than human not to have enjoyed the attention. She would have played the men one against the other, as women have done since time immemorial. She might have dated, and even had affairs. In the process, she would get to know men all too well, and would realize that they are but putty in the hands of a good-looking woman.

b) A good-looking woman is more than a match for the average desi engineer. She will twist you around her little finger and make you jump through hoops. Things will get done her way nearly all the time.Of course, it will be fun to jump through hoops for someone as lovelyas she is. A homely woman, on the other hand, will usually be so grateful to you for marrying her that she will treat you like a king.

c) As I mentioned before, a beautiful woman is unlikely to be particularly virtuous or righteous. But that is okay, since too much virtue often goes hand-in-hand with rather undesirable traits. Avirtuous woman may also be ugly, weird, boring, hyper-religious or frigid.

d) A beautiful woman is more likely to "stray" after marriage too. This is the USA, and the fact that a woman is married does not make her off-limits to adventurers or would-be Casanovas. The more lovely a woman is, the more likely is she to be propositioned by her male colleagues or friends. Ergo, she is subject to much more temptation than her homely counterparts. Think about this... how would it be if women kept asking you, a man, to make love to them? How many times would you refuse?

How to go about selecting a beautiful wife.

First of all, there is the matter of mentioning the fact to your parents. If your parents are anything like mine, they will freak out when they hear that their dear devoted son is actually interested in earthy things like beauty (and, by extrapolation, sex). It is not considered good form to say that beauty is important to you in Indian circles.Here is a very important tip... do not leave bride-hunting to your parents! Beauty is going to be the last of their priorities, coming after caste, horoscopes, family background, perceived virtue of the girl etc. Make it very clear to them that beauty is high on your list of priorities. State in no uncertain terms that you will not marry anyone who does not measure up to your standards. That will prevent them from goofing off during bride-hunting, shirking their responsibilities and palming off some family-friend's daughter on you.

Another unpalatable fact is that your mother will not want you to marry someone too beautiful. This often comes as a surprise to most sons, but the reason is simple. Mothers know that, sooner or later,there will be a tussle between her and her daughter-in-law over her son's affections and loyalties. Since women are extremely conscious of their looks and tend to rate themselves accordingly, a beautiful woman has a psychological advantage over a less attractive one in an argument. Also, your mother knows that a beautiful wife will tilt the scales against her as far as you are concerned, since such a wife will probably have you dangling by the balls, if you pardon the expression.

So, left to herself, your mother will limit her search to women whoare less attractive than she perceives herself to be.Before you start on your bride-hunting, you should convince yourself that you deserve a beautiful wife.

Do not ever think, "But I am not so good-looking anyway, what right have I to demand a lovely girl?" Since Man started walking the earth, it has been the man's wealth that has been traded off for the woman's beauty. Rest assured that your looks will be the last thing on a girl's mind when she rates you as a prospective husband. She will be weighing your earning potential, green-card potential etc. Even in this land of feminism, "Cosmopolitan" has articles on "How to hook a rich husband" and "The ten best places to meet successful men".You have worked hard, and wasted ten of the most wonderful years of your life getting where you are. You deserve to get something out of it. Do not squander your bargaining position. In other words, do not be ashamed to make your preference for beauty known.

How to check whether she is beautiful.

First of all, never consent to marry a girl whom you have seen only in photographs. PHOTOGRAPHS LIE!!!! Photography is an art that can make HKL Bhagat look like Zeenat Aman. All too often, photographs sent to prospective suitors contain only the face. Also, they usually have been so air-brushed and sanitized, all the pimples and other irregularities removed, that the end product has little in common with the original. Also, it is a certain fact that no woman will consent tosend you photograph that presents herself in an unflattering light.These days, in the urban areas of India, it is often the practice totake an album-full of pictures of a girl when she gets to marriageable age. These pictures show the girl in various outfits, eastern andwestern. The album is then sent to prospective grooms-in-the-states.During my last visit to India, I learned from an authoritative sourcethat many of these pictures are blatant forgeries, involving splicing the girl's head on to the figure of some other girl, sometimes professional models. In one case, pictures of a girl's good-looking sister were went out instead.

Bottom line: do not make a decision based merely on photographs!

Once you see the girl directly, you can easily check whether her face measures up. The figure is a different matter altogether. Women have conducted more research into packaging themselves than have been conducted on the entire US space effort. You should realize that,while you were struggling in your engineering program in undergraduate grad school, women were learning the techniques of camouflage. She KNOWS that it is her looks that count. By packaging herself so thatshe seems attractive to a non-resident Indian for about 10 minutes,she can earn all that it took the NRI 10 years of hard work torealize. Women are extremely honest with their friends about theirpositive and negative points. They are intensely aware of their flaws,and work systematically towards concealing them. So, if she seems to have a liking for loose, flowing sarees orsalwar-kameez, keep your mind open to the possibility that she may beoverweight. That fold of her saree draped oh-so-elegantly across her midriff might be concealing a paunch. It it is wound demurely aroundher back, she probably has spare tires. Does she walk slowly andsedately, like an old Spanish galleon making its way across the seas?She is probably holding her paunch in.So what do you do if she always appears in such clothes? You cannot very well demand that she change clothes... that would be outrageously bad form. AND SHE KNOWS THAT! One way to approach such a problem is the following. Tell her that she cannot wear a saree in the states,that it would be embarrassing for you. Tell her that if she is not willing to wear jeans, shorts and pants on a regular basis, you are probably not a good choice for her. Subtly hint that you would like to see her in western clothes. If she refuses flat-out, my friend, you can be sure that she is hiding something. If she has a good figure,she will make damned sure that you see it.

A large percentage of women in India have huge hips and very heavy thighs. This is mainly due to lack of exercise. In a saree or churidar, it is impossible to check for these, which is why they areso popular. If a woman states that she does not wear pants, warning bells should ring in her mind. One way to check for obesity under a saree or salwar is to note the relative positions of her bosom and midriff.

For a woman with a good figure, the bosom should be at a considerably higher level. If she dresses so that the bosom does not stand out, it is almost surely because she has a paunch that comes to the same level. Or she may be droopy, saggy or totally flat.Let me reiterate, if a girl has something to show, she will make damned sure that you will see it.One way to see how your prospective bride looks when she is not dressed up is to ask to see her family albums. NOT the ones that they keep out ostentatiously but the ones that they keep tucked away at the corner of the shelf. A lot of overweight women go through crash diets during the wedding season, starving themselves or going to professional "fat-farms" to lose dozens of pounds, to get into presentable shape for the darshan. I know of one woman who lost 60pounds in 8 months preparing for the wedding. She quickly gained itall back after the marriage. Pictures of the woman taken 2 or 3 yearsago should tell you whether she is inclined to obesity.If, on the other hand, she is a thin woman who has padded herself upto look good on darshan day, there is no way on earth that you can tell. The best way to check for this sort of stuff is to enlist thehelp of a sympathetic, liberated, female, friend, sister or otherrelative. She can easily see through the disguise and give you unbiased estimates of the interior.
So, if you have a sister, you hadbetter start being nice to her.

HAPPY HUNTING! ... UNITING!

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Puh leeeeeeeease! Happy Hunting? Whomever this guy is, the fact that he's so obsessed on looks will only make him unhappy in the long run. What happened to finding someone who you actually like and get along with?

This view is filled with stereotypes about Indian Women. From our supposed body issues to the fact that prettier women will use, abuse, and even cheat on you, but they're still the ones to marry. Uh huh. And what was that part about women not caring how their partner physically looks. We're not blind or asexual you know.

Us, women, want attractive mates as well. But when it came down to it..most of my female friends had sacrificed partly on looks for a great personality (they're attracted to their husbands, but they downgraded their expectations of trying to find a Brad Pitt or Arjun Rampal). Having a hottie husband would be nice, but I'd rather have someone who is intelligent, fun and nice, than a jerk with a six pack anyday.

It will be interesting to hear both men and women rant on this one.

Men, tell it like it is..is this how you really think???

Bachelor Parties.. Lap Dance or Last Dance?

2005-09-21T17:45:00.000-07:00

I had a marathon phone call with one of my chickitas last night. Apparently jealousy is rearing its ugly head in her "golly, gee, ain't it perfect" relationship. She's in a situation where her boyfriend went to the male bonding event, known to all XY creatures, as "The Bachelor Party". I have my definite views on this, but first let me fill y'all in, on what happened to my friend.

They've been having this lovey dovey relationship for a couple yrs now. Noone cheated, no World War 3 fights. Minor stuff and everyone was happy. Weddings have come and gone during that time, but neither of them really knew the brides or grooms. It always was a friend or a friend or some Aunty's kid that was getting hitched.

Now, one of their close friends (correction: one of HIS close friends) just got married. Here's where El Problemo started. He was invited and went to his friends Bachelor party. Seems innocent enough doesn't it?

She was okay with it at first. They have a pretty open, trusting relationship. But after he came home, thats when the onslaught of questions started. He thought since she's never been suspicious or accusing before, she'd be fine with the truth. He told her how everyone drank like a bunch of Frat boys, that later there were strippers and then..he admitted that he had a lap dance. Yes, a lap dance. He wasn't just viewing stripper booty, but interacting with it. Not good.

She flipped out. Not "Honey, you shouldn't have done that" flipping out..but "full on, get the cleaver, I'm gonna getcha getcha" flipping out. Now there relationship is hanging by a thread. They are no longer speaking and she's devastated. She swears that if he didn't go and she actually enforced it, they would still be like white on rice. Uh huh.

This leads me to the question..Should Bachelor Parties be allowed or not, once you're in a Commited Relationship? My opinion..well, I'm really liberal. I would and have allowed past boyfriends to go to Bachelor Parties. I understand, this is a time for guys to hang out, for one last hoorah. And if you do completely trust the man you're with, then you shouldn't be worried all night, wondering what or whom he's doing. Right?

But this, like all relationship issues, is NOT black or white. No matter how much the girl or guy say they trust the other person..there are always limits. Even for myself. I think when situations arise like this, they are truly the test of the relationship's survival. When you're in mushy "I love you, you love me" honeymoon mode, real feelings and what each person believes is acceptable or not, gets washed over. Noone usually talks about "what if" issues, unless something happens. And then its in your face..there's no escaping how you really feel. Emotions get amplified and noone wants to have a rational conversation. What if this or that happened is now reality. And the girl is usually plotting how to kill her boyfriend without getting caught.

To me, if you really love someone and are in a relationship..then that respect level should never be compromised. The little voice inside that makes you feel unsure if you're doing the right thing, should always be listened to. So if you don't know, 100% unequivably, that your girlfriend, Jane Doe, isn't going to be upset at you for having Sandy Stripper dry hump you..Don't do it. Its just that simple.But people just do things without thinking. The brain cells are on strike and it happens over and over again.

I don't think there would be such a problem with Bachelor Parties, if people just communicated. I'm talking about REAL communication. That means learning about each others wants beyond knowing what their favorite color is or if they prefer boxers or briefs. Talking about what the limits are to YOU, for your mans behavior (and vice versa). I'm not condoning what he did. But I think he assumed that since she was girl who never said anything negative about his behavior before, that she would be okay with this. Thats why assumptions are pretty darn lethal..and unless you hear "Its okay with me for you to do ___ or ____" its like walking into quick sand. You don't really know which of your assumptions is going to swallow you up!

Where are the limits of interacting with a female who's not your girlfriend? When does it slip into cheating? To some its a kiss, to others its flirting..and to my friend, her boyfriend cheated on her with that lap dance. Personally, I've always guaged my own behavior by thinking..what would I feel if he did that with another girl. If the answer is no, I don't do it. No matter if he will find out or not. Respect and trust is fragile. When you lose it, you truly will never get it back. Doubt has a weird way of setting up permanent shop in your mind.

People in relationships think they know each other, but when crap happens like this. Everything is blown outta the water. And you feel like the person you're with is a complete stranger. For my friend, those 2 years of feeling like they're on the same page has disappeared. And as for her boyfriend, he feels like he shouldn't have told her. (instead of thinking that he crossed the line).

Bachelor Parties are such a grey territory since there are usually strippers there. Guys in relationships are in a weird situation since is it wrong just to be there? Is it wrong to see another girl naked? Is it wrong to touch that naked girl? I'm sure if we took away the words Bachelor Party from this topic. I'd hear a consensual "Hell yes" to all those questions. Because people in commited relationships shouldn't do those things. But all of a sudden, you throw in a Bachelor Party context and its just Boys being Boys..being in a sexual situation with another woman is now acceptable. I think men validate going since they can easily say "Well, I didn't bring the strippers" or "Its not like I picked up some girl in a club & brought her home". But they dont' realize that to us women, you were sexual and felt sexual with someone who was NOT us. That on its own is why betrayal is felt.

But women on the other hand, we expect a lot from the guy we're with. And part of that is we expect you to be a mind reader. You should know what right and wrong is. We expect you to know that if you do A you will shatter our hearts, which will inevitably lead to B (breakup). We want to be the only ones who will ever turn you on, the only girl who you will look at and think "Thats Hot". We want to be the "Be all, and End all" for you. These expectations aren't completely fair, but its how most of us think. Women understand that men are visual creatures, but we still don't discount that as an excuse.

And as for the male friends who aren't in a relationship (eg this guys single friends at the Bachelor Party)..well, they add their own pressure. No man wants to look whipped to his friends. So if my friends boyfriend had declined the Bachelor Party offer using the "I have a girlfriend and there'll be strippers there" cop out..He wouldn't hear the end of it. No guy wants to lose face in front of his friends.

I get all this, but I also know that we as humans have choices. And if a man chooses to get into a relationship, he should respect it. That means making decisions where he looks at it from his AND her perspective. If you love someone, honor it. (..and that should go both ways)

So people, this is a complicated topic and I don't think its ever going to morph into an easy one. My little post here may have created more questions than answers:) But I do believe no-holds barred, honest communication is the only answer. So if you're reading this and are in a relationship, puuuh lease bring up the topic. At least you won't have lose the relationship on the basis of not communicating. And if you're single, like moi, consider how you would feel in a situation like this..so when you do find a man/woman that you will know where your personal limits are for them and yourself.

{ Bachelor Parties need not be the enemy. Just the strippers:) Why don't guys just go back to a safe activity like playing Scrabble. Noone ever lost a relationship over a boardgame:) Lol. }

The Sleazification Of Bollywood

2005-09-13T19:51:00.000-07:00

Do you watch Bollywood movies? Or are you wondering what one is? Either way, if you check out a few, you'll realize the relevance of this post. And maybe you'll be able to relate.

I remember growing up, and watching Hindi movies with my family.Those were the days, when you could actually still watch them with your parents..now, I feel like covering my eyes and wishing I could be absorbed by my couch!

Back then, the genre was very wholesome. The stories were non-risque, soaked in religion and culture and above all..everyone was fully clothed. (I think you'd be lucky if you saw a womans ankles..oh my!). You sat for the required 3 hours and came back with some cheesy moral of the story. Parents loved it and for us kids, sure we groaned at the fact that everyone in the movie always did the "right thing".. and I mean always! But it was our first exposure to the Indian Film world and it did its job of entertaining as well as teaching us.

Well, things have come a long way baby! Now the woman are scantily dressed, dancing around seductively while the camera pans their body (ick!). Yes, they still don't kiss..but I've seen Bollywood movies where they seem to be doing everything but that. I remember one movie that I ended up seeing with my family, where there were so many gratuitous scenes (like all of a sudden, it goes to this long carwash fantasy scene, where this woman has water sprayed on her while the suds are flowing down her body) which had nooooooothing to do with the story..that I was so disgusted I turned it off. I'm a pretty progressive chick, and I'm not saying I can't handle seeing skin..far from it. But my problem is with a film genre that seems to be based in moralistic "holier than thou" values, being filled with contradicting smut. Hypocritical? I think so.

I understand things are changing at a fast rate within our Desi community, and that's great. But really, is THIS modernization? To show woman just as sexual objects? Come on now. Media is a very influential medium. And when we (and the much younger generation) are exposed to seeing women this way, it leads to it just being submerged within our subconcious. It's like if you watch porn..sooner or later, that will influence how you look at women. I don't think Bollywood movies have moved into the porn realm..but they're not far from the limits of soft porn.

The sad thing is that India has become such an international force to be reckoned with, in all things technical and otherwise, that its hard to understand how the film industry hasn't caught up. Bollywood movies are watched all over the world and are produced more every year than any other industry (including Hollywood). Film makers are trying to keep up with this demand as well as modernization, I understand this. But with that massive production, they have a responsibility to not only us, as their audience, but to the world. Is showing a sea of flesh really necessary? If it had something to do with furthering the plot, I get it, but showing skin just to sell their movies (the whole "Sex Sells" ploy)..now thats low.

Its difficult to find a good Indian movie these days, and most times I come out feeling like I wasted my 3 hours watching a boring, played out script with rap video montages (all the desi girls dancing in them are exactly like rap hoochies).

The Yash Raj movies or anything decent are few and far between. Why can't we have more movies like "Black" or even more recently "Parineeta". Actresses shouldn't have to shake their thang to get Bollywood appeal. Besides that, wouldn't it be nice to see some real acting for a change instead of the usual batting her eyes and showcasing her beauty?? (consider the acting of Glenn Close or Jodi Foster versus Ashwairya Rai).

There is definite talent within the Indian acting community, but most of it is wasted in these sleazy films. There should be a higher regard for acting and the images of women being portrayed. Why can't we see women in lead roles,where they are shown as independent and multi-faceted, rather than just being a temptress or a domestic role model.

Sorry to keep ranting, but wouldn't you love to see someone who wasn't a former Miss World, Miss Universe, Miss India or Supermodel acting in these movies (and this goes for the recent male actors too). Sure, its eye candy, but thats about all. Movies shouldn't be just to create some unrealistic fantasy but to allow us to relate and see different characters (looks and all). They should bring in some actors with imperfection and show our society that the tall, fat, short desi women and men can be just as beautiful, or allow these models to strip away the caked on makeup and be "real" for once. Acting should be about developing into a character, not having the character developed on you.

I guess this bothers me, since I believe an Indian Woman is more than "T and A". She is intelligent, cultured, and powerful. She should have more of a purpose than to just "Get the guy, Get married, and Be a good Indian girl". Our movies & media should reflect this.

I truly hope, one day, Bollywood will realize this and create more of the great movies we love. Movies which are famous for touching us and bringing us the emotion of a great story. All without the sleaze.

Is THIS What's Left Out There ??

2005-09-09T11:53:00.000-07:00

Ok..guys. The following has not been edited for content or spelling. It is what it is and this guy responded to my online profile. Apparently, he likes swimming, travelling and sex... A LOT!! I am not including any revealing info on him as to protect his online identity...so for all of you out there who are going to get mad because I'm posting info from his profile, don't be. Mr Weirdo will still be safe n' sound somewhere in the Motherland.

This post is not to be malicious to this guy in any way. I was just so horrified and amused (yes, all at the same time) that I HAD to share this with you..Believe me, even Chapelle couldn't do humour like this!!

Mr Weirdo:

Children: 2
Health: Normal
Hobbies : Traveling, Swimming, Sex

His Details:

funloving guy. love to traveling a lot. making friends, LIKE SEX, SWIMMING, I LOVE TO GO OUT STATION FREQUENTLY AND MEET FRIENDS AND ALSO TAKE GRIL FRIENDS WITH ME AND GO TO ABROAD AND ENJOY THE LIFE. I AM A BUSINESS MAN AND HAVING MY BUSINESS OF LAND AND BUILDING CONSTRUCTIONS. MY HOBBY IS SWIMMING, RESTURENT, GO OUT , TRAVELLING A LOT, SEX AND MAKE NEW FRIENDS AND HAVEING FUN WITH THEM.

What she should have:

FUN LOVING GIRL. GIVE ME A GOOD COMPANY, SHE MUST BE COME WITH ME FOR OUT STATION AND ENJOY HER LIFE WITH ME AND HAVING FUN. I WILL GIVE HER EXTRIMELY HEAVEN IF SHE WOULD COME WITH ME. SHE MUST BE GOOD BY NATURE AND SMART AND LOKKING BEAUTIFUL.FUN LOVING GIRL. GIVE ME A GOOD COMPANY, SHE MUST BE COME WITH ME FOR OUT STATION AND ENJOY HER LIFE WITH ME AND HAVING FUN. I WILL GIVE HER EXTRIMELY HEAVEN IF SHE WOULD COME WITH ME. SHE MUST BE GOOD BY NATURE AND SMART AND LOKKING BEAUTIFUL.

Okaaaaaaaaaay, are you done laughing? Probably not. He is from India, and apparently 18 (which is waaaay too young for me anyway) but his picture that came with this lovely profile looks closer to 40 (no joke). And how the hell does he have 2 kids if he WERE 18?? Well, I guess all that "travelling, swimming and sex" must have done the trick!! Hmmm, I wonder if he does all 3 at once? ..Ewww, bad visual..must think of other things!! Lol.

Well, I won't be going to "heaven" with him (or to the "station"..whereever that may be) or anywhere else.

I'm just getting a little perturbed.. where are all the normal guys!?

Clubsumptions

2005-09-06T19:09:00.000-07:00

This weekend, I went out with my girls, to a club. I haven't been in a while, and maybe this is why. I am reaching my tolerance level for the "Unwritten" rules that exist in clubs (let's call them "Clubsumptions" i.e the assumptions men & women make for their club behavior). These rules are somehow assumed by both genders as soon as they pay cover and walk into those doors.

For those of you who look as stupified as Homer Simpson (duh!) right now, let me explain:

The Rules at the Club: "Clubsumptions"

Some or all of these rules must be adhered to as soon as you step past the Velvet Rope and into a club. These are rules which are assumed to gaaaaruntee you a hellava night.

Version 1.0 - Assumptions made by the Guys

1. Must come to the club, wearing at least one bottle of cologne. Preferably Drakkar Noir or Old Spice. Something which is bound to attract the ladies or at least knock them out with their overpowering aroma. It is thought by the men that the soaking of their bodies in these colognes will transform them into a Stud Meister and a force to be reckoned with. Remember more is better to smell your best.

2.You will try and look like every other guy. Clothes and all. Try and be as trendy as possible in your striped button down shirts and jeans. Uniqueness is frowned down upon.

3. Wearing dark sunglasses will make the women swoon. Why would they need to look into your glazed over, drunken eyes anyways? Keep the peepers covered. That way they will never be able to look into the "Windows of your Soul" and see your deviant motives.

4. You may behave in any sexually inappropriate way possible. The club is like your own personal playground. And the women are the see-saws and swings..just a waitin to be groped, touched, grabbed in any way you like. Its not like they're strangers or like you would neeeeever do any of this if you weren't in the club, without them slapping you in the face. But as soon as you enter the pearly gates of clubland, you can do as you please. This also includes inappropriate comments about their body. Because women apparently looooove this. They like random, drunk men to make them feel like sexual objects..so Cat Call her to the max!

5. If somehow a woman rejects you, then by all means..try, try and try again. There is no such thing as "No". Really she thinks you're a total babe and when she tells you she'd pepper spray your ass if you attempt to touch her again, what she really means is that she wants you to be persistant. Its not ticking her off..really.

6. The only type of dancing that exists is Grinding or trying to be a pseudo Michael Jackson circa Thriller. Again, this is what impresses the ladies. So shake it like a Polaroid picture.

7. Feel free to makeout with anyone you want. Everyone will enjoy the show and double points for you if you have a girlfriend (because they neeeeever find out anyway)

8. You main goal for coming to a club is not to dance or chill with your friends. This is not the point of the night for you. One night stands are your goal. Relationship..what the hell is that?

9. Deodorant. Huh?

10. Fight anyone that your drunken brain fancies. You are the Muhammad Ali of the club and even if you are more the size of Steve Urkel, it doesn't matter. Because here in the club, you can vent your testosterone as you please. Your fighting skills will make you into a Superstar..or at least a Stupidstar.

Version 2.0 - Assumptions made by the Ladies

1. You must dress to impress. This means wearing as little as possible. If the guys can see more of you then they could possibly ever imagine, then kudos to you!!. When you bend over, if the men can see London, France and your Underpants..100 points.

2. You will act like a hoe and nuttin but a hoe. This means getting up on the speakers /stage and dancing like your day jobs involves stilettos and a pole. Work it baby, work it!

3. You will give every woman you think is prettier than you, the dreaded Evil Eyes. This means staring at her with such intensity and attitude that she will want to melt into a puddle of goo in your presence. Because you don't want them to take your pick of the drunken men, do you?

4. Any nasty man who wants to grind with you, allow them to. Because you're sooo hot and you know everyone wants you. So let you inner hoochie mama run wild.

5.Making out or going home with someone who isn't your boyfriend is perfectly acceptable. STD's?? Oh you mean, Sex Til Dawn..yee haw!

6.Drink until everyone in the club looks likes Brad Pitt or at least until your stomach feels like the pits.

7. You are here to act like a Miss Thang, whether or not you have a chance in hell of actually being one. You rule when you enter the club. And are allowed to push or step on other people's feet while walking around the club premises. Hey, those high heels are really meant to be weapons of mass destruction. Use them at your will and get the man!

8. When using the public washroom. You are welcome to vomit whereever you like. Also, flushing of the toilets is optional. You are there to primp and cake on more makeup to look like the hottie you are.

As you can see, these Clubsumptions aren't the easiest to deal with. I don't know why some people feel they have certain liberties or can act in whatever punk ass way that they want to, when they enter into a club. But sadly, they do. And even more sad, is that, those of us who want to go for reasons not mentioned in the Rules (like to have a good drama-free time!!) have to deal with this.

I just go because I love to dance and hang out with my friends. I'm not looking to find Prince Charming there or any of his palace servants. All I want, is to have a good time without having to deal with groping, grimy men and chicks with attitude up to their yin yang.

If you hear what I'm sayin..holla back y'all.

Milk Chocolate or Dark..Whats Yo Flavor?

2005-09-05T18:08:00.000-07:00

I met this Desi guy at a dinner party and he started telling me about his ideal girl. He has this thing for mocha colored girls. He explained that they are much more beautiful then their darker versions and he likes them with light eyes and hair. Hmmm..is he in the closet about who he'd rather be dating or what? Well, talking to him got me thinking about the fixation over skin color in our society.

In East Indian culture, the lighter you are the better. Watch any Bollywood movie, and you'll notice that the main actress is light skinned and the dancers around her are darker and less atrractive. If you're in the desi dating scene and go on any dating sites, putting on your profile that you are "fair" or "very fair" increases your value (though, I've seen some of those pictures where they are apparently "very fair" and they actually look a little Cajun to me! Guess that speaks volumes about what people will say just to be considered attractive) In India, Vico Tumeric Paste has been sold for decades, which is supposed to help make your skin "fairer and lovelier".

Ashwairya Rai has been long touted as being the "most beautiful woman in the world". Are we attracted to her more since she looks so uncharacteristically non-desi? She has green eyes, a small, straight nose, light dyed, straight hair and could easily be mistaken for another ethnicity. I'm not saying she's not beautiful, but I do question if it has something to do with the consensus within our society, that the Western beauty ideal is more attractive. Look at most Indian girls today and a lot of them are wearing colored contacts and light dyed hair. Are we Desi gals going away from our own natural beauty so that we look more North American and acceptable? Again, no diss to any girls out there or to say we shouldn't do it. I myself, have highlighted my hair in the past. Its just something for us to think about.

Personally, I can see how my own skin color has been viewed by our society. I'm fair skinned, and one year I went on a trip and ended up getting very tan (hey, there was beach and what had to be done, HAD to be done!). I came back and was going to go to a wedding. But before I went, some Aunties came over to our house and flippantly told me, that if I want any boy to look at me, I'll have to bleach my skin. Ya, okay..I'm going to just whip out the Jolen Bleach and become Snow White, just so that the men will come a lookin'? Fuggettaboutit! I'm not doing anything I don't believe in. And I didn't. Besides that, any man who's going to judge me based on my skin color is definitely one I'd rather not get to know.

I'm an analytical person, so the more I thought about this topic, the more I wondered..Where did these views actually originate? From my research, I found that the "color bar" for beauty, exists in most non-white cultures. There's usually a hierarchy where the lightest skinned women are thought to have the highest status and be the most beautiful, while the darker colored gals are at the lowest ranks with beauty and apparent value.

The skin color stigma developed from racist ideologies back in the day, where negative traits were given to certain physical characteristics. The darker pigmented people (Africans, Indians etc) were thought to be ignorant, dangerous, savage and primitive. Those ideas flowed from the Western world outwards. And now in 2005, its sad that so many people of our own culture judge each other based on skin color. Our views on whats attractive or not, could be said to be born from racism but so many of us just accept these ingrained ideas on beauty, as what they are, rather than examining them. This is why its so important to question yourself. You always have to ask if what you do or say comes from your own beliefs or someone else's. Otherwise, you're just following the pack..blindly.

As for my own preferences..Truthfully, I've been attracted to guys who are light and dark (hey, chocolate is chocolate no matter what shade!), plus guys of other races are pretty darn hot too.

Maybe this post will get you thinking about your own views on Beauty. Are you more attracted to darker skinned or lighter skinned people? And if so, WHY?

I truly hope that one day, skin color (whatever shade that may be) can be celebrated instead of deplored. Change starts with one and I hope it will start with you.

And in the infamous words of Oil of Olay.."Love The Skin You're In"
(I should get paid for the shameless plug here! lol)

Whats Love Got To Do With It

2005-09-02T18:02:00.000-07:00

Love. Its sought after. Cried over. Dreamed and written about. Its the air that we breath and without it we're forever gasping. Ok.What's all this hoopla that I'm writing about? Well, what I'm wondering about Today, is whether love is all that we cracked it up to be. Are we more in love with the image of Love then what love actually is?

Hollywood and the media have long touted the horn of love, making it seem that its something easy. They give us empty promises that we're all going to fall in love and those who haven't are substantially missing.But I really think what they are talking about is more Romance/Lust. Since love has an existence created of more than just hugs and kisses.

To me, Love is caring for a sick friend, wanting to stay with your boy/girlfriend, even on those days when you fight like a bunch of crazies, saying sorry to keep a relationship from dissolving, even when you know you're right. Its compassion and commitment. It's not easy. It's something you grow into over time. And when you've found it, it like a shadow..never leaving your side. It's one of the most overused words in the English language, but seldom understand its magnitude. It's not sending a Valentines Day card because it's the norm, but giving your girlfriend a back massage after a long day of work...without being asked. Its accepting those around you and giving yourself to them..completely and unconditionally.

Thats the kicker there. Unconditionally. How many people do you know who've said they unconditionally love you or someone else, but to disappear when you really need them. Its only when the going gets tough, that you truly realize who actually loves you. Thats why I welcome the rain in my life. Because I would rather share my happiness with someone who has been there for me during my darkest days than people who's love is fleeting.

Unconditional love is rare, but if you are able to find it, consider yourself very blessed. So, for all those people who you love or hope to..think about what the word really means to you before you use it next time. Are you ready for all that it entails? And have the people in your life who've said it to you, fulfilled its responsibilites?

Just something for you to ponder.

Wishing you all love.

Male Friends..Are They A Myth We've Created or Do They Exist?

2005-09-01T15:49:00.000-07:00

I've always wondered if anyone has the answers to the age old question about women and men being friends..and only friends. I've always found it easy to hang with my guy friends and sometimes its easier to talk with them then with women (no disrespect to my womenfolk..I love you all still!).

Lets face it..men are so much more uncomplicated. Ok, I take that back..They appear to be more uncomplicated (you guys are verrrry sneaky!). If you watch any two typical guys ,who are friends, you will notice they would rather skim through the issues of Women, Sports etc all while watching Sports Center. (and drinking beer!)

Unlike us, you rarely hear them having a "whine and cheese" session about why we never called or analyzing every little ity bitty detail on whether we like them or not. I'm sure the metrosexual, openly sensitive men of 2005, do talk to their close friends about these issues, but its not something they sit on the phone and spend 3 and 1/2 gabbing about.

A typical conversation would be :

Guy 1 - "Dude, this girl I like is giving me mixed signals"
Guy 2 - "Dump her"

Or, as my guy friends say, the other most popular answer for problems de jour..is "Sleep with her". But usually, answer #2 must proceed answer #1, just in case you miss a chance for Booty.

Finito..simple answers and everything is wrapped up in a neat, clean 30 minute sitcom. They can then get back to business of which PS2 game rocks.Meanwhile, you and I are sitting on the phone for what seems like world record times, having a massive Dr Phil session on why men do the things they do.

No simplicity..just a huge complicated analysis (which rarely provides us with the answers). Sometimes I get more confused after its all said and done.

That is why I sometimes prefer talking to men. Not for all of their answers (which face it guys, are sometimes too simple and too testosterone driven), but for the fact that they don't obsess about things like we do. You can chill with a guy and talk about everything and anything..and that includes NOT having to discuss why or why not his or your love life isn't going anywhere. If you don't want to delve too deep into your personal life..no problem. No questions asked unless you're the one to talk about it first.

With chicks, if you know one of your galpals is having trouble with her Bf..if you DON'T ask, it's like you don't care (and as soon as you do, Dr Phil's session comes a ringin). Ya, we're sensitive like that. Men seem to be just more easily able to talk about life and enjoying it then we are.

Ok..so thats why I like talking to you XY Chromosome People. Talking to you guys can be very simple and stress free. Also, its nice to have a male perspective on things.

But on the topic if Men and Women can STAY friends..hmmm, the verdict is still out on that one. Yes, I have a select few male friends with whom nothing has crossed the friendship line. They haven't asked me out, I haven't returned the favor. No admission of liking on both parts. (Though I have heard rumours that they did like me at some point in our friendship. hmmm) But then there's the majority of my guy friends that I've known throughout the years..whom, though I love chatting to, have sooner or later dropped the "I like you, do you like me?" bomb. Thats when things get messy and if you're not into Mr Guy Friend, then you're bound to cause hurt feelings (cuz WHO really can answer the "Do you like me back" question tactfully?). Your relationship is forever changed and you're down one guy friend.

Sometimes, even if you aren't openly attracted to each other in the beginning. After spending time, platonically chilling together, you realize.."Hey, this guys personality rocks". Sure he bares a striking resemblance to Pee Wee Herman. Sure, you know all his annoying little habits. Sure his hair resembles Mr Clean. But the personality is the catcher! I've had guy friends who I usually wouldn't be attracted to, becoming more attractive. For me, an awesome personality is much more attractive then a pretty face. (though I'm not discounting the supermodel men..If any of you hotties are reading this..please puh lease apply!) After time, it's almost like you start looking at them differently..they start morphing from a Putz to a Stud...presto!

So basically you're doomed either way. I'm not saying that if both parties DO like each other, that it couldn't be a fabulous thing (b/c I've been there on that), but once you cross the friend line you really can't go back. Emotions are a very messy thing and once you've kissed someone they will never just be your friend (even if he kissed like a drunken jellyfish and you were traumatized by the event).

A lot of guys I've talked to on this very topic, have openly, flat out told me "There is no such thing as having a girl as a just a friend. We don't really want to waste our time, and if we're "friends" with her, we are looking for more". I've even talked to one guy who said thats his fail proof dating tactic, is to lure women in with the friend pretense so that he can appear all sensitive and date-worthy, and then he drops the "like you" bomb. He says no women can resist a guy who they trust and have gotten to know, and that playing the friend card only works to cancel out his bad points. (This smuck was talking about it like he was teaching a course!)

I guess I can sometimes be very naive about if you guys just want to be friends or not. Sometimes the supposed signals are so subtle that I can't tell if you're winking at me or have something stuck in your contact lense. Do you like me? Am I just reading into things? What are your intentions? (haha, I sound like someone's Dad on that last one!)

What it comes down to People, is Can we Girls, just be platonic with you Guys? In a way, where noone is looking for anything and the only motivation is enjoy each others company. Or are Male Friends just a wishful myth we've created?

Holla back at me and let me know what you think.. It'll be interesting to hear both male and female opinions on this...so don't be shy.

Is Friendster the "New" Black?

2005-08-31T11:28:00.000-07:00

I just talked a friend last night who was telling me that Internet Site Dating was so passe. Supposedly, the "friend" sites are the in -thing. I'm talking about Friendster or Hi5. I have noooo idea if any of these work, but apparently a lot of people I know are meeting people that way.

Is it because people feel more comfortable going on these sites under the guise of being a friend, or meeting through a friend of a friend, and you're getting the more "normal" people of the bunch unlike the "vil you marry me now, my sweet jelabi" guys from Shaadi.

Um, I'm not sure, but whichever way you cut it, it just looks like good ol' Internet Dating to me..maybe I'll try it, maybe not, but before I make the leap it would be nice to hear if anyone else has had good or bad experiences on those sites..

Dude, Where's My Brain?

2005-08-30T12:10:00.000-07:00

I talked to this guy I've been emailing from one of those infamously notorious Desi Sites. His pic passed (he wasn't drool worthy but he was definitely a cutie), his emails were witty and interesting, . I was looking forward to talking to him. Could this guy actually be someone I might get along with? But the apparent fantasy I built up about Boy Wonder came crashing down when he uttered his first three words. " Hi, Dude, wassup".

Ok, maybe to your homies up in South Central you can call them Dude, but I'm talking to you for the first time,. I'm a girl not a dude, and THIS is the first impression you give me. Well, the whole conversation was very "dude" filled and now I've added the word to my pet peeve list.

How hard is it to speak normally?! I couldn't even concentrate on what he was saying because every sentence had a dude in it. I was telling myself in my mind, "Ignore the Dudes, Ignore the Dudes"..but the more I did that, the more I heard it. I felt like laughing my head off. It was yadda yadda yadda, DUDE, yada, DUDE, DUDE, yada yada. I couldn't believe someone who seemed so normal was such a dolt!

Lets just say that was our first and last conversation. I'm now officially Dude-Free and back to the drawing board.

The Case of the Wandering Eyes

2005-08-29T11:09:00.000-07:00

I came back from lunch with one of my galpals. The food was yum..Italian..my favorite but there was something a little rotten with the ambiance in the restaurant...and thus this post was born. Why do men carelessly check out women when they're on a date? In between bites of spaghetti, we notice this dude checking out some girl..not subtly ,which would be the kind thing to do, but blatantly, in yo face checking her up and down. The problem with this story was the guy had a girlfriend, who saw the rude display of scoping also. She looked so upset. I feel bad for the girl, because I've been there..even my friend at lunch has.

Ok, I know men are visual creatures and they have a hellava lot of testosterone...that can't be changed. But come on, isn't there anything to be said for having some respect for your date?? Its not like us women don't see better looking guys out there when we're on dates with you, but you do your business and have a quick glance, and no harm is done. A lot of guys, on the other hand, would rather peruse over some random chicks body with their glassed over drooling eyes looking like they're imagining her in ways even a XXX rating wouldn't be acceptable for.

I just don't get it. All it does is make us feel insecure and we have to go through the whole mental play-by-play of why this random girl can capture our dates attention instead of us. Then you ask us whats wrong...ahhhhhhhhhhh!

Why why why I ask!?

The Frustrations of Expectations

2005-08-28T21:04:00.000-07:00

For an average desi..life is brimming with expectations. I experience this daily with my parents. My mom expects my culinary skills to be so refined by now (like a good Indian woman's should be) that I should be outdoing Emeril. My brother, on the other hand, oh..well, it doesn't matter if he even knows how to boil water.

Yes, I don't want to grumble on about the apparently neverending sterotypical gender roles for East Indians..but I can't say it doesn't irk me. It irks me more than irking could irk!! (now say that 3 times fast). Why can't Desi Women be appreciated for more than their domestic skills?? Why are there so many expectations for us?

For instance, if you go to a dinner at some Uncle or Aunties home, first off you are bound to see the woman and men seperate into their own little conversations. The women will end up somewhere in the vacinity of their home away from home..aka.the kitchen..and the topic will revolve around food, babies, what their kids are doing, who's marrying whom..general gossipy stuff.

Meanwhile, all the Uncles and other men are sitting in the living room talking about life. They talk about politics, current affairs and things that MEAN something. I've found myself so many times in the dilemma of having to be stuck with the ladies talking about something I'm not really interested in, all because I am expected to stay there (gossip and help with the food). So many times, I wished that the women would talk about something of relevance. Life shouldn't be all about weddings and which cleaner works the best on pots.

I'm not sure if this is a purely Indian phenomenon..and I would be interested to hear from all you non-desi's out there. Are desi women the only ones dealing with this? I sincerely hope not.

As for this changing anytime soon..well, all my married girlfriends are almost falling into the same scenario. It hasnt gotten into the total gossip stage yet, but its getting close. Last time, the conversation of choice was if the Swiffer was better than the competition. I felt like pulling my eyelashes off! Mind you, I do understand that domestic stuff should be talked about since we, girls,are the ones dealing with the brunt of the burden..but there are other things in life to talk about people!!

Beyond these expectations, Desi kids are expected to go to University, find the perfect spouse (who is of the same religion, yada yada yada), then have their own perfect kids who also go to the ideal University and god forbid they marry someone non-desi?!..The list goes on and sometimes I feel that our lives are scripted more by our parents and society's expectations rather than our own.

Come to think of it, sometimes I don't even know my own expectations of myself. I'm so brainwashed by what I should do and shouldn't do, that given the opportunity, I'm not sure what I would really want. Do you know what YOU really want or is what you want what your parents want? Think about it.

The expectations inherited by us are usually laden with the fear of disappointment. This one is purely me. I'm the ultimate people pleaser who pleases the world before she pleases her self. I would hate to see my parents disappointed in me. Its something that unfortunately drives my decisions and choices.

When you live in a cultural society where its normal for parents to micromanage your life and indulge you with all their expectations of you, its easy to get overwhelmed. This, perhaps, people who are not Indian may not understand. Since, the North American lifestyle dictates self wants as king. But for us Desi Kids who are dealing with it..its the pitts! (and we're not talking about Brad here)

Well, thats about all for now..time to go and clean the fridge and make some parathas ;)

Progression or Degression?

2005-08-26T18:39:00.000-07:00

Hi Ladies, Men, Kids and Animals of all ages. Welcome to another blurb from Yours Truly:)

I was talking with some girlfriends (a mix of single and married) the other day, and listening to the usual grumblings about not being able to find a man or the man who they've found being tooooootally different after they got hitched. The common thread of that conversation and so many others, made me think later if desi guys in our generation have really evolved from the "Old School" Uncles and Dads of yesteryear.

Firstly, I like to say a brief disclaimer that this is just MY opinion..if you don't agree, fine and if you do, even better. This is not anti male or anti desi guy post..just my honest 2 cents on a confusing topic. And if some random Indian guy, who is taking a break from his Med School books happens to be reading this, hopefully reading this post will give you some insight on what us girls think about you. Learning how we feel can only cause change. Yes women, I'm going to change the world!! One desi guy at a time. (ok, I'll sit down now)

From my personal standpoint, my dad has been a pretty progressive guy. He doesn't dress like someone who's shoes are still wet from coming off the boat, nor are his interests typical. He is well rounded in what he reads and watches (yes, CNN and TLC are on in my house more than the desi channels, which most Indians parents are glued to 24-7 ). He's a pretty modern father in most respects, except that of his ideas on women/men dynamics. In that case, he is completely typical desi man..all the way!! (Dad, if you're reading this..I still love you!). His views are that women should be doing the traditional roles like cooking, cleaning and raising the kids..and his job as a man is to provide the loot. Besides that, he can come home and kick back his feet and have my mom take care of everything. Ah, ain't life grand!

Growing up, I, being the pro Equality chick that I am, have always hated this and have said naively, more than a million times, that "Nope, whomever I marry is going to be 100% equal all the way..We will treat each other more like friends and lovers than business partners" . Plus, I wasn't all Martha Stewarty growing up and made roti's in the shapes of planets. Enough said. I believed that guys who I would meet would be radically different. Hey, most of them grew up with some North American culture..they lived in similar households..how could they not want things to be different for their wives?

Well, little did I know that when I grew up, I would learn two heartbreaking truths. First, that Santa was some bitter old man dressed up in a mall driven by the throngs of Commercialism, but also (and much more saddening) that Desi Guys (and I'll say many but not all because I am hoping there is some Perfect man/ Arjun Rampal lookalike out there with my name on it) haven't really changed. People, we're in 2005 here not 1805..but whenever I run into a desi girl who wants to yadda yada yada about her lifes woes..the topic always comes up about the expectations of our male desi compadres.

These seemingly intelligent, witty, metrosexual men of the 00's are still expecting to find a wife who fits the mommy mold. But unlike their predecessors, they aren't just happy with the well accomplished housewife. Nooooo, these guys do not only want Miss Perfect in the home, but she also has to have a good education, workout to keep the killer bod (so all their friends will be drooling and jealous), have a "kick ya mamas ass" amazing job, raise the kids,be funny and witty enough to overthrow Chappelle, and....you get the picture. I'm just getting tired writing about it!!

What I think, is men now have up'ed the Anty on the spousal expectations. And us women are expecting someone who will think of us like equals and not dump every responsibility on our pretty little heads (are we just brianwashed from watching Days of our Lives too much?). Somewhere the wants and needs are not matching up and when that happens..there is frustration, disappointment and what is now increasingly popular...divorce. Its sad to say, but so many people in our community ,in their 20's and 30's, are calling it quits.

Desi women now are more independent than our mothers were. Our moms weren't thrilled about the gender dynamics, but they dealt with it. They hoped for something better for us . But what the guys grew up seeing, somewhere inside of them, they've instilled how Daddy Dearest was treated, as the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. For them, if Dad had it so good, then why the hell can't they? In a way, I can't blame them. We learn from what we see. And if what we see is a hellava great lifestyle, then thats what we want. They're looking for Mom version 5.0.

So, now the dilemma is that its very rare to find that guy who views you as more than a personal servant. Ok..I know thats pretty harsh, but if a dude expects a woman to do all the dirty work while he chills, then thats what she is.

All of my single girlfriends have horror stories of guys who are more impressed by their cooking abilities than their career. What exactly should we be? I guess thats my next question. Do we, as single desi girls, conform to the golden standard for women by trying to do it all or do we bravely stand for WHO we are as being more important than WHAT we know.

So, have men PROgressed or DEgressed through the desi evolutionary line. I'm not sure if I know for sure what the answer to that is, but what I see more commonly, is that desi guys progress with their lives (education, trendy clothing, a better lifestyle than their fathers) but they are degressing with their views on us and what they really want from us.

Well, thats my sphell. Rant and Rave away!

The Rules..For Finding The Desi Man Of Your Dreams!!

2005-08-26T17:14:00.000-07:00

Hello All..tis Friday and I thought what better way to start the weekend then to post my blog with some advice for all us Desi "Serially Single" Chicks.

I came across this article (written by a Ms. Roxanna Kassam whose writing totally rocks!) and cut and paste the essentials of it. Its about the quest to find the Modern Desi Dude and the key points we should all be on the lookout for.Yes, a guy who is normal, mentally stable (no asylum history here girls), and over the typical women/men stereotype B.S. we have to deal with..which basically translates to him not acting like a Neanderthal about equality!!Its funny, its direct and hopefully it will help us find a man! (am I sounding a wee bit desperate? Well I guess singledom is getting to this girl).

Enjoy & hope it helps someone out there .That is, before she ends up with a greasy haired Indian dude who smells like some "curry gone bad" fiasco..screaming like a caveman for his woman to make him some rotis. Ah, I shudder at the thought! Ugh.

After reading this if you know a guy like this..puuuuh lease either keep him or otherwise FedEx his Butt to me!

1.He doesn't live with his mother. Of all the women I polled, this was by far the most popular answer. We tended to agree with Noreen Banerji from "(D)evolution"—many South Asian men are still tied to their mother's apron strings and expect you to carry on the dubious honor of setting their alarm clocks at night and making them fresh chillas every morning. The key, my friends agreed, is to find a man who has already been weaned from his mother. "A guy who lives by himself has already learned how to be independent—how to cook his own meals, pay his own bills and clean up after himself," is what my best friend Farah Murji, 29, looked for. Farah has been happily married for a year. "This means that they rely on you less and may actually be happy to do some of those things for you." Amen to that, sister: A boy who is house-trained is a must. As my friend Dewlyn D'Mellow, 26, puts it, "There's a big difference in domestication in guys who've been ripped away from mama's bosom prior to the big day."
And while we're on the topic of mothers, make sure you meet his. Is she a progressive, independent woman who has taught her son strength of character and integrity? Or is she Marie Barone from Everybody Loves Raymond? The difference will be a sure sign of how he expects you to behave in your relationship. If she still spoon-feeds him at dinner, throw down your napkin and run like the wind, girl.

2.He has multi-cultural friends."Having a wide range of friends from different cultures shows that he is not only open to different perspectives, he actually seeks them out," says Rahima Nenshi, 24. "He will probably be more open to new ideas and more apt to change his way of thinking." This means that a desi guy who hangs out with desi guys may just trade the same tired old "wifey" stereotypes, whereas one who spends time with friends of different cultures will collect a host of different perspectives on his ideal partner. So don't just look for the fellas at mybindi.com events; widen your perspective a bit and attend a multicultural gathering or two. If nothing else, it will help turn your attention to the plethora of guys from other cultures.

3.He has gay friends. While multicultural friends are a plus, I find that a man with gay friends is even more important. A guy who is comfortable around gay people is comfortable with his own masculinity, which can be a huge factor in his willingness to take on duties that may be outside the traditional male role. While Trusty Boyfriend did not have gay friends when I met him, he was happy to meet my gay best friend and even comes to gay clubs with us. His acceptance of my friend showed me that he was open to different lifestyles and ways of thinking and that he was secure enough in himself not to be threatened by them. A guy who automatically begins homophobic posturing at the mere mention of a gay relationship, or worse yet, laughs Beavisâ€“and-Butthead style while making inappropriate hand gestures, might not be the most open-minded guy when it comes to transcending traditional male-female roles. Worse yet, you'll spend half the night apologizing for him at parties.

4. He is younger than you. This is a big one, ladies. Do not just discount the perfect man because he may be one or two or 15 years younger than you. (OK, do discount the 15-year-old.) But seriously, younger guys—even by a few years—may possess just what you're looking for. Many women want men who are ten years older than them, well established and making the big bucks. Then they complain when there is a power dynamic. If you don't want the guy to have all the power, stop looking for a guy who commands all of it. Finding a man who is a few years younger than you or is in the same place in his career or schooling immediately evens out the playing field and makes it easier to find flexible solutions to fit both of you. You want him to stay home with the kids? Well, if he's still in school or just starting out, he may be able to swing that. But the 35-year-old bringing in the lion's share of the income? Not so much. Also, older guys have played the field and know what they want, while you still may be figuring it out. By going with a guy who is younger, you are less likely to mold yourself into his expectations of a life partner; instead, you can form your own expectations of the relationship, together. A big plus, even if you have to put up with all those tired "robbing the cradle" jokes.

5.He grew up around women. This was another piece of wisdom my girlfriends unanimously agreed upon. As my best friend Farah points out, "A guy who grew up with women understands their daily trials and tribulations and will be able to relate to you more than a guy who grew up in an all-male household." Since Trusty Boyfriend had women roommates all through university, he understands the subtle variations in the dizzying array of hair straighteners and is not averse to popping by the maxi-pad aisle when I am in need. Newlywed Rishma Govani, 29, praises the desi man who understands the hairy dilemmas of South Asian women everywhere, claiming that "the perfect desi guy knows all about unwanted hair and dutifully reads his Oprah magazine while waiting in the car for his freshly-threaded girlfriend to emerge." The bottom line is, you need to feel comfortable around a guy—and that is much easier when you don't have to hide the Nair in the back of your underwear drawer or save your favorite ratty pajamas for nights when he is out of town.

So take heart, girls: The Evolved Desi Dude may be in hiding, but he is certainly not extinct. All it takes is some concerted searching, keeping in mind the collective wisdom of women who have finally found the perfect desi guy (after years of imperfect ones). So go out there and find him—before the gora girls do.

Well said! Feel free to go comment crazy.

Do We Ever Really Get Over Our Ex's?

2005-08-24T16:47:00.000-07:00

I was contemplating this very topic earlier today when I received a voicemail message from a guy I used to know back in the day. Ok..forget the politically correctness..he's an ex and its been more than 4 years. Things didn't end that well, and we disappeared from each others lives. Now after all this time, I get this message. A message asking me to call him. Why?

Do we ever really get over the people in our past? Personally, I don't think so. Even if it ended wonderfully (which they never tend to do) and you're all blissfully happy for each moving on ..there is still something to be said about sharing your life with someone. Even if its for a brief time. That person shared a piece of you.They set up shop in your heart. Heard all the intimate details of your life and went through a part of your life with you. 6mths or 6 years. It was a part of your life that will never come back again. You changed them and they changed you...forever (wow, that sounded pretty final)

So when it all ends, how can we really believe that a person's influence in our lives is truly over. Yes, we go through all the usual breaking up rituals. Like crying at every stupid thing that reminds you of the times you shared together. Eating gallons of Hagen Dazs. Blaming yourself for the whole mess and wondering when you'll ever get over him. Those feelings pass and slowly you can get through one day..and then one month. Life goes on. But does the fact that you are no longer "together" with someone mean that they automatically are denoted to something less. Like they were the President of the Company who gets shafted back to the Mailroom? Does all the time you've spent with them just get thrown away..kaput.

I guess thats why I don't like the word "Ex". Why do we give people our love to then only "Ex" them from our lives. Like they became some fungal growth, flesh eating disease bacteria that we must now cut off forever. Be gone, I say! I can't truthfully say that there aren't some guys in my past who were like toilet scum and ate away at my heart through the whole relationship, but I do know that each and every person who I've crossed the friendship and I love you lines with will always have some sort of influence on me. Good or bad. Maybe thats why he called. To see how the girl he loved once upon a time is. You're probably thinking I'm one delusionally naive chick. Maybe I am.

I haven't called him yet. Still pretty shocked to hear anything from his end. But I guess it gives me hope that even men who you think truly don't give a crap about you..do. Somewhere, sometime..our minds all wander off to those days from the past. Where something you see or hear reminds of you of them and that thought makes you happy.

I'm not sitting her typing and wishing he is calling me to tell me how much he missed me and how he was a total jerk for how things ended. The time for that is long gone. I'm past that and I'm sure he is too. But I do know, that for whatever time we did spend together, I did have some influence and effect on his life. As he did on mine. His imprint on my heart probably has changed me for the people I have met since then. (and this folks is what we call "Baggage")

Hearing his message today made me think of my other past bfs. Some I hear from and some have vanished. I wonder where the ones I don't hear from are. Are they happy? Have they found The One? Does my memory ever cross their minds or do they ever wonder what happened to me and my life? I'll probably never know the answers to those questions.

Oh well, c'est la vie. I'm going to go have some ice cream. Why save eating the good stuff only when the bad stuff happens?!

Welcome to the Joys and Horrors of Online Dating

2005-08-15T20:02:00.000-07:00

I've been trying the online desi dating scene for a while now. Hmmm..having quite the experience so far. Lets just say there is no shortage of geeky doctors, engineers or pharmacists in the world! Putting up the profile was one thing..what the hell are you supposed to write on those things? Here you are trying to condense your crazy, complex personality into one little blurb, trying to attract someone cool and compatible amidst the sea of smucks. I'm not trying to be harsh, but if you browse the profiles, you too will see that picking a winner out of the bunch isn't the easiest thing. So far, I've would have had better luck being struck by lightening. I remember when I first signed up on one of those websites, I got tons of responses right away. I guess when they see "fresh meat" on the site, everyone tries to get it. Its worse for people with their pictures on. A couple of my friends have theirs on, and have gotten their inboxes bombarded with emails. As for me, I tried to respond to everyone (its soooo rude when people don't even respond back, even if its to say they're not interested) and actually found a few profiles interesting.

Then you go through to the next step, which is the Email Stage. Here you can start to read the person's personality more. Believe me, you can't hide the dorkiness forever!! You send your pic they send theirs. I guess I'm pretty picky because I haven't gotten one "Wow, he's hot" picture yet. And like I said in my previous posts, I'm not hung up on Supermodel looks. A couple of the guys were decent, but its still pretty hard to tell anything from those pictures. Either they are fuzzy or taken far away ( you gotta look out for those) or its some cheezy Bollywood picture where you can imagine that their wardrobe contains several silk shirts in all colors and white tennis shoes. Scary, I tell you!! For me, I have to ask myself the key question when I see a picture, which is "Can I imagine kissing him?". That on its own will give me a pretty good clue if he'll pass on to Stage 3 or be sent back to the online trenches.

But if you're lucky, a few will pass that and go on to the Lets Talk Stage. I have talked to a few guys and some were actually interesting. At this point, you're thinking: "Ok, he's not bad looking, I can find something physically attractive about him from his picture, his personality keeps me interested, lets meet and see whats wrong with him!". Ever heard of that phrase, "If its too good to be true, it probably is"..well, that applies to men as well. Had too many experiences where you get strung along thinking you met Prince Charming only to meet him and find out the whole compatibility thing was a bust.

Lets take one guy, we'll call him Pompous Vertically Challenged Man (PVCM for short). PVCM was good in the beginning. He passed all three crucial stages and I was ready to jump in and meet the guy. Since he lived pretty far away, I coordinated my visit with him with a wedding I had to go to. So after the wedding, I nervously dressed up, tried to look hot and sexy. But not TOO sexy, because then you could easily drift into Sluttydom and thats not the type of first date impression I care to make. So lets leave it at hot. After primping, we met at a bar nearby.

I had to sneak away from the wedding festivites and didnt tell anyone I was going to meet some online dude, because then I would have been flooded with questions, it would have reached the rumour mill in a nano second and the Aunties would have had a field day with it. It was just the type of thing they would have jumped on and made it way more than it actually was. Remember, to most of the older crowd in our community, dating is still a very western concept. Most of the parents hardly knew each other before they got hitched. So they still don't understand that us young'uns want to know someone and actually care about them before we dive in for a lifetime.

Ok..back to my story. I was supposed to wait at the bar and meet him. I sat there for a while looking around. I saw one desi who looks pretty hot and I was thinking " could that be him?". But then he walked straight past me. So I waited, feeling pretty damn nervous. Passing the safe feeling of being behind a computer screen now seems very daunting. My wait ended about 10 minutes later, when PVCM shows up. He is much shorter than he said on his profile. I'm 5'4 and with he was the same height.. Hmmm. I feel a tad disappointed because I realize the dude has already lied to me about basic physical attributes, but on second thought, I'm here, so why not make the best of it. We did get along on the phone, right? Gotta think positive. So we sit at the bar and order something. The weird feeling I was previously having lingers. I'm trying to fill the conversation in with a lot of yadda yadda yada, hoping to feel more comfortable but somehow all I feel is weird! We decide to leave and go to a restaurant. He drives us (ya, I know, he could be a closet axe murderer and kill me when I get in this car, but naive little me think like that at the time). Let me backup a bit. Walking through the parking lot he asks me to pick which one I'd think is his car. So I start with a trashy car (praying inside he says no)..he does. Then I move up to asking if an Accord is his. No again. We play this silly little game for what seems like eternity. You'd think if I got it wrong 3 times, he'd stop. But nooooooo, he goes on. The lot was packed btw, so you can imagine just how frustrated by the end of it.

To make a very long story short, he was driving an Mercedes Sports. All black..all leather. I got to hand it to PVCM, he has good taste in cars. The glow of the moment ended when we got in the car. All he could talk about was how he got this car when there was some humungous waiting list for it and how much money he makes and how much money he makes and did I mention he makes a lot of money. That put me off totally. Ya, sure he brings in the bacon (and some eggs and toast)..but bragging about it incessently isn't going to make this lady fall for you. One things I value in Modesty. I'm amazed when you meet people who have done so much or made so much or are very accomplished all around and they don't go tooting their own horn. They're modest and let people see there personality for what it is. What you are is definitely more important than what you are.

Well, all night long, all we talked about was HIM. What he likes, what he does, how he knows so and so (namedropping is a huge pet peeve) and how in general he's basically this God who any woman would loooooooove to have and I'm just lucky to be spending a few of his precious hours! (oh! lucky lucky me!).The guy is 35 and I'm sitting there thinking, "If you're such a catch Shorty than why haven't you been snatched up already?".He goes on to tell me how he's so good looking and has never been turned down by a girl. Oh goody.

Our wonderful predate conversations are now becoming a distant memory. Seeing him, in the flesh and in 3D, is definitely a reality check from the phone calls and blurry pics. I'm quickly realizing that he isn't the one and I'm trying to be polite and listen to his incessant self promotion. I'm not even sure he could tell you 4 things about me from our conversation, but I know more than I want to know. He actually told me to meet him again during my weekend. But I blamed it on the Aunties, and said it would be hard to get out. Uh huh. Then he tries to lean in for a kiss before I leave. Ok..does he actually think I was interested AT ALL?..Because I tried to look as bored as humanely possible, anything to drop the hint. I turn away at the right moment and give him a hug instead. All the while thinking, why do I have to touch him?...haven't I had to deal with enough all night? I leave back to the hotel..tired..disappointed.

Thats just one of my online nightmare stories..I could go on..But I'll spare you the gory details for another post. I'm tired just writing about it. Ah, I'm hoping someday all this searching will be worth it and I can laugh about it all with my fabulous hot husband:) (sure..right..whatever)

Goodnight.

Weddings, Weddings Everywhere!

2005-08-14T20:32:00.000-07:00

Tis wedding season, and I have gone to many this year. Weddings used to be fun once upon a time when I was a wee lil child, but they slowly turned torturous when the Aunties of the community decided to hassle me about finding a boy. For those of you, who are wondering who these "Aunties" are, first off, they are NOT related to me in any way but the fact that we are both east indian and female. They usually are the older, married women in the community who make it their business to get into yours (or any "eligible" person for that matter) and grill you until you feel like screaming. Ahhhhhhhhhh! Ok, now that I got that out of my system lets get back to all this Aunty Smanty talk.

I've had to endure years of their interogating me about why I'm not married, who would I like to marry, and can they introduce me to their nice, good desi boy son/nephew or any other "eligible" guy that they so deem would be peeeerfect for you. I usually retort with some wise comeback or just laugh it off.

But this last wedding I went to a few weeks back, was definitely different. Aunties were there in drones..but gone were the questions. Weirdly enough, I think they've given up on me..either that, or they think I'm lesbian. Which I'm not..but thats besides the point. In their minds, any girl who's "held out" on the marriage bandwagon past the mid 20's, is intelligent and is decent looking MUST have something wrong with her. Why else wouldn't she be married?

I feel that the constant pressure in the desi community to get married lessens the value of learning about yourself and figuring out what you really want in life..or who you want for that matter. I'm not the person I was 5 yrs ago or even 2 yrs ago. People change and life is dynamic. If I would have gotten hitched at 25, the type of guy I would have chosen would have been a lot different than my ideal man for today. I know a lot of people who've given into the pressure and married young only to realize the person sleeping next to them is someone who isn't really compatible.

But when you're young, you're not looking for Mr Stability Man, you're looking for Mr Spontaneous, Mr Harlequin Romance, or Mr. Live for Today. You don't know who you are well enough to make that type of huge decision. Now I'm probably going to get flack for this, because I'm sure there are tons of 20-24 yr olds who are going to say that it worked for them. I'm not trying to say that marrying young will never work. All I'm saying is that how you perceive life and people is different when you're young compared to when you're a senior citizen like myself:)

I was talking to some of my other friends dealing with the same problem. We're above average in looks, well educated, mentally stable (well at least thats what our shrinks tell us!). So why can't we find a decent desi guy? As an Indian woman, I find that as we age, we lower our standards in a mate. Also, the eligible pool of guys gets cut down a lot. We become these older, mature women who seemingly have it all but can't find anyone to share it with.

For guys though, they can age to their hearts delight. The Aunty syndrome doesn't usually inflict them as bad. They probably get immunized when they're born. They can explore their 20's and even go into their 30's knowing that they'll find someone..sooner or later. They can thoroughly invest time in building up a great career without the lingering thought that the longer they wait the less girls there will be for them. Actually, all the Aunties and Uncles would be thrilled if some independent, financially stable dude in his 30's decided to marry their 24 yr old daughter. For us women though, if we were the 30 something marrying the 20 something..we'd be the rumour mills latest target. Ooooooooooh..taboo!

I'm not even sure us late 20's, early-mid 30's crowd appeal to them anymore. Are we too independant? Will we not just deal with their flaws like so many younger chicks will? Are we not satisfied with just a mediocre way or being treated? I'm not sure, but one male friend of mine said that the younger women are definitely more compromising and are eager to please. Just get a dog then why don't you?! Plus, oh here's the kicker.. they have more childbearing years on them. Ok, so when did being barefoot and pregnant go on the top 10 list for qualities a desi guy wants? Just because we're older doesn't mean we can't have kids!!

I think us MDC (Mature Desi Chicks) are left scrambling for whatever's left of the older guys, feeling desperate and willing to settle at times while the men can "afford" to act like jerks..cuz time isnt' that huge of a factor to them...so if they lose us, we can be easily replaced. Ah! Why is there such a double standard???

Oh well, thats my $0.02. Hopefully noone is taking this as some feminist spheil. All I'm trying to say is there are huge double standards in our community..no ifs, ands or butts about it!

The Dilemmas of Desi Dating..Take 1

2005-08-11T22:45:00.000-07:00

Hello World! I decided to try the "Blog Phenomenon" as a way to express my thoughts on life & love and hear the thoughts of others. Hopefully this public introspection will not only help me but also others will be able to relate.

Ok..I guess I'll start with a little about myself. I'm a S.D.F. (Single Desi Female, that is). Trying to find "The One"..so far..has been no easy task. I'm passed the typical "expiry date" for getting hitched.I guess a lot of people in my generation are going through the confusion of finding Mr or Miss right while dealing with the pressures of family wanting you to "settle down". This, on its own..is very stressful. Sometimes I'm unsure if I've been too picky and other times I feel I'm not picky enough.

I decided to try internet dating and am on the Desi Dating websites. I'm also dating the good ol' fashioned way and have also given in to Mom and Pops suggesting/fixing me up with this good boy or that one (modern version of the arranged marriage).

I feel like I've been doing this for YEARS now..but from what I hear once I find THE ONE it'll be all worth it. Kind of like how you have to go through the hell of labour to get a baby. Uh huh. Someone tell me where the hell my Epidural is? Don't blame me for being so skeptical and a tad bitter on the whole thing, but I've met my fair share (and then some) of freaky guys. I'm not that demanding. I've given up on the whole supermodel, John Abraham, desi god aspiration. I have no "must be a doctor/engineer/pharmacist" requirement. All I want is someone who can interest me enough to have a great conversation. A SOH that rocks. Someone who loves me..genuinely and truly. As you can see..I haven't yet given up on my romantic fantasy. (hey, I'm a chick. We can dream can't we?). I'm above average in looks. Never had a problem attracting desi or non desi men. Told I'm intelligent and funny. Have a great job. Then what's the problem? What is it that Desi Men really want?

As the years have rolled by, I found myself letting go of this or that on my ideal life partner checklist. And now I'm wondering whats left...someone who breathes and eats roti? I never want to be that girl who settled. I still am clinging on to the dream that someday I'll find someone who I love for everything that they are. But now the time factor is getting to me. I guess lectures from the family and now my married friends is making me feel like I'm going to have to suck it up and settle. Very scary thought..let me tell you.

I'm not sure if a lot of single indians are dealing with my dilemma. Trying to please the parents, trying to please yourself..but not getting pleased in the end.. What is the right thing to do? Where are you going to find this person? Still trying to figure the answer out, guys.

As for men..I feel everytime I think I figure out the eternal question "what men want", I get thrown for a loop. They tell me I'm perfect..they have never met anyone like me.. yada yada yada but something ends up missing in the end. I'm usually the one dealing with THEIR flaws while trying to keep them happy. I'm not sure if I'm doing this anymore to make things right or because I'm feeling if I lose them I won't have anyone else. I don't even want to use the word "desperation" because hopefully I don't want to reach that end of the road stage.

Well people, I'll end here for my very first post (I'm no longer a Blog Virgin!) , please feel free to comment on this. I'd love to hear whatever you have to say.