The Case Of The Hmmmm Guy
I was going to write this post earlier, about a cool guy I met, but as time has passed the cool guy has morphed into a "Hmmm" guy. That's basically one of those guys who you have NO idea how they feel. Where it's beyond the inital sexiness of a little mystery and instead has gone down the path of "Does he like me or doesn't he"questions (oh no..I feel like I'm in High School all over again!). I never thought I'd meet a Hmmm Guy, but I guess it's a rite of passage in every girl's life. And my time has come. Read my story and you'll understand why this Diva is soooo confused.
I went on a Semi Blind Date last weekend. "Semi" since we met about a year ago at a party. I talked to him briefly outside (and it was getting dark) and we only talked for a few minutes. And after a year, I can't completely remember what he looks like (ok..I remember he was cute but it was dark people!! So I guess not having a clear image of what he looks like qualifies in the Blind Date category)
After that, Semi BD dude got my number and called me up. He sounded pretty cool so we kept in touch here and there for the past year. One thing that kept me intrigued was that he could keep up the conversation. There are some guys who can't talk and this wasn't one of them. So he definitely got points for using his brain (the one in his brain that is..and not the one dwelling down south)
Well, about a month ago, he told me he wanted to finally meet me and wanted to come to my neck of the woods. His plan was to fly down and spend the weekend and see if there was the possibility of anything more than friends. I enjoyed getting to know him on the phone, so what could it hurt to see if there was some chemistry to this. So I agreed. I agreed with the condition that there would be no expectations. We would meet and see if there was anything more, and if there wasn't we would be honest about how we felt..either way.
Well, he came last weekend and though I was a little freaked at spending the weekend with a man I hardly knew, at the same time it was exciting. When you can talk to someone for hours on the phone about anything and everything, you do have a little hope that maybe it could be just as amazing in person. I spent the whole time taking him out for yummy food, a movie, a night cap at this place with the most fabulous dessert and we even caught a comedy club.
The first day (Saturday) it was going great. Though Semi BD didn't look as cute as I imagined him to be, he still was pretty engaging with his conversation...and plus, I'm never the type to just write off someone based on looks. He would throw compliments at me, here and there, but the flirting stopped there. He never tried to make a move on me once. Wasn't quite sure what to think about that, except that he was being a total gentleman (but that was when the Hmmm thoughts began). After the comedy club, he looked really tired, so I told him I would drop him back at his hotel. He didn't try to stay.
The next day was also great. He kept apologizing for being tired and wanted to stay in town longer, but had to work the next day.We were laughing, joking and getting along so well. But again, nothing beyond the realm of friendship happened. Hmmmm. I'm not saying I wanted him to jump me or anything, but his perfect gentleman behavior really left me wondering how he felt. Did he like me or what!? And I've had a ton of experiences with guys just acting on their testosterone, so I really didn't know how to deal with a guy who treated me like this.
Anyway, I dropped him off at the airport and was wondering how he would say goodbye. Handshake..Hug..or Kiss. I got a hug. It was a long hug though. Hmmmm. He left saying how he had such a great time.
Well, this is when the Hmmm story shifts into overdrive. I haven't heard from him in over a week. No texts, phone calls or emails. I thought at the least I would get a thank you for taking him out. But nada..nothing. He told me over dinner when were talking about our bad and good date stories, that he usually has a 2 day rule for calling girls and that he's usually polite enough to call girls where he felt nothing with. So now that it's more like 8 days gone..no polite phone calls..what am I supposed to think?
This is when I wish guys would say what they feel and cut the B.S. games. If he likes me, we should have talked about it. And if he didn't, fine..I'm a big girl, I can get over it. Plus, I'm not entirely sure what I feel inside about him. I wasn't thinking.."Wow, He's The Man!"..But I wasn't horrified either. We had a lot in common and got along well, so I felt like we could have explored this more. But since Semi BD hasn't made any communication, I don't know what to think anymore.
I wasn't going to get in touch with him and leave the ball in his court, but I relented today and dropped him an email. Telling him I didn't hear from him so just wanted to say hi and if he got some time that he could write me back..no pressure. I know, it may have sounded a bit desperate. But really, I just hated being left in Hmmm Limbo, that I had to do something. I also am a sucker for giving people the benefit of the doubt. Ya, this means thinking that he was busy trying to save the world or something and thats why he couldn't call me. Well, not that bad, but maybe something happened..right? Ah..now I'm not sure if I'm being too nice or just being stupid. Again, I haven't really had this experience of not knowing what a guy feels about me to know how to react.
What are the rules after you spend an entire weekend with someone? Was I supposed to call him or him call me? I'm not that traditional in that I was expecting the man to pursue me completely, but if you're interested in me, then I think that I have the right to know. At the very least, all I think I deserve was a simple thank you. (I did pay for his hotel stay and for a few of our meals.)
Well, I guess I'll just wait and see. Not impressed by the lack of communication, but hey, if he wants to be a Hmmm guy, then he can spend the rest of his days Hmmm'ing away. And if anyone can shed some light on what the hell he may have been thinking..please do.
posted by desi diva at 8:34 PM
13 Comments:
I've been the Hmmmm guy on a few occasions. Can I email you? The comment is getting to be a little too long!
I'm with IDG on this one. You are man angel -- and indeed, a much better woman than I am. You paid for his hotel AND meals and the ungrateful wench couldn't even call?!?!
I believe he should have at the very least, if not to have called to say thank you, to at least have called to say 1.) he had a nice time and 2.) that he arrived back safely. I thought that was just common courtesy -- maybe it isn't these days.
oops...I meant IGD....I can't even type...that guy just pisses me off.
Since IDG wrote a long comment, I guess I can too!! :D
First of all, I'll agree that not thanking you for all the time and money you spent on him, being the hostess was a bad thing to do. If he has not yet called you or emailed you, you should pick up some needles and a voodoo doll made to look like him from Walmart, now!
But that would still not answer "why" is he "hmmmm" about you. Would it?
From personal experience, I could tell you some reasons why I have been hmmmm in the past. Doesn't necessarily make me right. But the reasons remain.
You live in different towns! When you visit each other over a weekend and ensure a good time for each other, its still a tourist & tourist-guide relationship with a personal touch thrown in. When the thought "This will be over by my Sunday evening flight" keeps running in your mind nothing big ever materialises, except maybe a 'great weekend'
Personally, I cannot live in a long distance relationship. Correction. I can live in one, but not start with one and hope we grow more fond of each other over SMSes and sweet nothings over the phone. Even if the chemistry when we met were to be really strong, I'd hold back from giving other signs. I am mostly likely to avoid the kissing and give a hug instead. A little longish maybe to
accept the fact that 'I do like you'. What SBD did, is considerate. Does he know his mind? He sure does!
What SBD did until he left seems to be saying: "I respect you a lot to make this into a one night stand, and given our circumstances, there is no chance of a more meaningful relationship here.Here's a hug to convey the same.Two days later, I'll be sweet enough to call you back and say the same thing in different words, so you are not left hanging" Thats gentlemanlike. And gentlemanlike bores the hell out of me! I am sure the prospect of calling you back and becoming that nice gentleman, bugged him out of his brains all the way back home!!
Its got to be one of these reasons, unless there were no sparks flying between the two of you when you met.
Hi! At first, I was thinking he was a gentleman (my husband didn't kiss me until our 3d date and I was confused) But, when I read that you paid for his hotel/meals, I realized he seems like a user. Perhaps you were trying to be fair (if he paid for his flight), so I understand the inclincation to offer to pay. However, I can't believe he didn't treat you to meals - and then not thank you! If you were on-the-fence about him, you now have your answer. Mark him of your list and move on! And, you're not stupid, just nice. He's stupid for taking advantage of you. Good luck! p.s. Thanks for your comment on my post. One of my first ones, which proves your nice!
why is every one bashing the guy left and right ? just because we are on diva's blog and we hear her side of the story ?? what if you were on the guys blog and we heard his side of the story ?? may be you'd bash diva left and right(depending on how he puts it) !! huh !! do you all even know what exactly happened ? ok she paid for hotel and few meals..that means he would have obviously paid for his flight and the few other meals (nothing more, nothing less). May be diva offered to pay for him and didnt let him pay for the hotel (while his intention was to pay for his hotel too..who knows)..anyways thats not the point..intention is what really matters.
He should have called you or atleast written an email. That was very bad on his part but we never know what really happened. Why don't you call him just to say hi and find out if he is ok. Now after calling him if you find out that everything was ok and there was no reason for him not calling you !! then ...you have to find out why he did that ..you guys have to sit and talk it out cuz there could be so many reaons...may be something that you did or said had offended him ..who knows ? the only remedy is to talk it out (I am saying this from personal experience) and after that you can decide what you want to do next..until then there is no point simply dissecting and analyzing what happened.
And girls/guys please stop saying things like "you are the women angel".."that guy is a little wench " and all...that without even seeing the complete picture and making diva feel that you are sympathyzing with her !! Sorry if I sound harsh diva..but just my ...do cents.
Even if something had offended him..he should have called you back..courtesy sakes...anyways...bad bad world..hmm :).
mebbe something terrible has happened to him??!!
hospitalized for some reason...or mebbe worse?
Yeah, like that Cary Grant - Deborah Kerr movie !
Jax - He actually doesn't mind Long Distance Relationships. Like yourself, I agree that they are more difficult to maintain, but not impossible.
As for the other reason you suggested, maybe you're right, he didn't feel anything. But he sure didn't act that way (though our only physical contact was a hug)
So your guesses are as good as mine. But thanks for the male perspective.
Btw, my email is in the profile.
IGD - Girl, glad to know you have my back and that "I'm your Bitch"..LOL (you're my B too!!)
I shouldn't have emailed him but I did. My bad. I thought it would end some of the questions in my mind. But not hearing from him after that, only added more.
I'm not sure how I would react if he contacted me now. But you're right that I should and WILL be very weary with handing over my heart. Thanks:)
Solyluna -Muchos Gracias for the support. It seems all my girls understand my frustration. I guess we've all been there.
Sanith - No, he didn't bring me anything (and I STILL didn't judge him on that). Maybe I should have called him instead of emailing him after, but I just feel that if someone likes you, they will also make an effort. I didn't want to look desperate to him. Thanks also for your support.
Avec Amy -Welcome to my blog and thanks for giving me your $0.02. It's good to know that you understand the confusion I felt. But in your case, you had 3 seperate dates. My whole weekend accounted for that much time. And I STILL had no idea what was happening?!. Maybe I'm answering my own question here..
Far - I paid for his hotel, because I never dump that expectation on men. He did fly here to see me, so I just wanted to be fair.You're right that I need to be certain of the standards I should have for myself. Good call.
Bachelor - Again, I don't have any expectations of a man making the first move. But he directly said he has a 2 day rule. So I was just assuming how he felt from not hearing from him so long after we met. I did contact him first, but didn't here anything back. Just for courtesy sake, I should have gotten a thank you..right? Also, I wasn't wondering if "he loved me or not"..it was just our first date. I just wanted to know if he was "in like" or not.
A Man Said.. - Everyone has their own opinion, and so do you. You're right, that you only have my side of the story. But you're on MY blog. I'm just here saying what happened to me. But from what I experienced, nothing bad happened all weekend. No fights or bad moments. So there is no reason for him to be offended like you said.
You were very harsh in your reply. Not sure why. Or why you were defending a total stranger who's story you don't know. Was it because he's the guy and I'm the girl?? Hope not. I did more than most girls would ever do for a guy they just met. I just expect respect. Simple.
As for bloggers supporting me. They have either been there or have some advice. I'm very thankful for their kind words. So please don't start bashing them.
Vladimir -What an imagination!!..You should be the writer of a soap opera..Nothing happened to him..nada!
Ideamani - If only it was all just a movie...
Wow..was that last comment I wrote LOOOOOONG or what?!..
I knew that.. and I know that you don't like what I said but nyways I didn't like people forming opinions on some one based on some words..thats all. I didn't mention clearly... but not calling you after going back is a really shameful thing...if he had an iota of sharam or respect he would have called you..and instead of mailing..I think you should have called after a couple of days or so and told him subtly that you were expecting his call and if everything was ok. You can then guage him after that call...for you will know the answer the to the eternal mystery..if he is interested or not...if he is worth it or not..that could have been the last call as well(if you realize that he is a total jerk). Anyways thats my thinking.
As far as dating and meeting is concerned..its a two way street and I am glad you really know that !! ...can't expect one person to pay for everything :).
Hey, I am not basing your commentors or anything, sorry guys if you are hurt :|.
I like what you write and thats why I am here. period. I didn't support the guy or you, btw. Anyways, after reading your new post I guess he may not be worth it.
Ha! keep waiting.
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