Bachelor Parties.. Lap Dance or Last Dance?

I had a marathon phone call with one of my chickitas last night. Apparently jealousy is rearing its ugly head in her "golly, gee, ain't it perfect" relationship. She's in a situation where her boyfriend went to the male bonding event, known to all XY creatures, as "The Bachelor Party". I have my definite views on this, but first let me fill y'all in, on what happened to my friend.

They've been having this lovey dovey relationship for a couple yrs now. Noone cheated, no World War 3 fights. Minor stuff and everyone was happy. Weddings have come and gone during that time, but neither of them really knew the brides or grooms. It always was a friend or a friend or some Aunty's kid that was getting hitched.

Now, one of their close friends (correction: one of HIS close friends) just got married. Here's where El Problemo started. He was invited and went to his friends Bachelor party. Seems innocent enough doesn't it?

She was okay with it at first. They have a pretty open, trusting relationship. But after he came home, thats when the onslaught of questions started. He thought since she's never been suspicious or accusing before, she'd be fine with the truth. He told her how everyone drank like a bunch of Frat boys, that later there were strippers and then..he admitted that he had a lap dance. Yes, a lap dance. He wasn't just viewing stripper booty, but interacting with it. Not good.

She flipped out. Not "Honey, you shouldn't have done that" flipping out..but "full on, get the cleaver, I'm gonna getcha getcha" flipping out. Now there relationship is hanging by a thread. They are no longer speaking and she's devastated. She swears that if he didn't go and she actually enforced it, they would still be like white on rice. Uh huh.

This leads me to the question..Should Bachelor Parties be allowed or not, once you're in a Commited Relationship? My opinion..well, I'm really liberal. I would and have allowed past boyfriends to go to Bachelor Parties. I understand, this is a time for guys to hang out, for one last hoorah. And if you do completely trust the man you're with, then you shouldn't be worried all night, wondering what or whom he's doing. Right?

But this, like all relationship issues, is NOT black or white. No matter how much the girl or guy say they trust the other person..there are always limits. Even for myself. I think when situations arise like this, they are truly the test of the relationship's survival. When you're in mushy "I love you, you love me" honeymoon mode, real feelings and what each person believes is acceptable or not, gets washed over. Noone usually talks about "what if" issues, unless something happens. And then its in your face..there's no escaping how you really feel. Emotions get amplified and noone wants to have a rational conversation. What if this or that happened is now reality. And the girl is usually plotting how to kill her boyfriend without getting caught.

To me, if you really love someone and are in a relationship..then that respect level should never be compromised. The little voice inside that makes you feel unsure if you're doing the right thing, should always be listened to. So if you don't know, 100% unequivably, that your girlfriend, Jane Doe, isn't going to be upset at you for having Sandy Stripper dry hump you..Don't do it. Its just that simple.But people just do things without thinking. The brain cells are on strike and it happens over and over again.

I don't think there would be such a problem with Bachelor Parties, if people just communicated. I'm talking about REAL communication. That means learning about each others wants beyond knowing what their favorite color is or if they prefer boxers or briefs. Talking about what the limits are to YOU, for your mans behavior (and vice versa). I'm not condoning what he did. But I think he assumed that since she was girl who never said anything negative about his behavior before, that she would be okay with this. Thats why assumptions are pretty darn lethal..and unless you hear "Its okay with me for you to do ___ or ____" its like walking into quick sand. You don't really know which of your assumptions is going to swallow you up!

Where are the limits of interacting with a female who's not your girlfriend? When does it slip into cheating? To some its a kiss, to others its flirting..and to my friend, her boyfriend cheated on her with that lap dance. Personally, I've always guaged my own behavior by thinking..what would I feel if he did that with another girl. If the answer is no, I don't do it. No matter if he will find out or not. Respect and trust is fragile. When you lose it, you truly will never get it back. Doubt has a weird way of setting up permanent shop in your mind.

People in relationships think they know each other, but when crap happens like this. Everything is blown outta the water. And you feel like the person you're with is a complete stranger. For my friend, those 2 years of feeling like they're on the same page has disappeared. And as for her boyfriend, he feels like he shouldn't have told her. (instead of thinking that he crossed the line).

Bachelor Parties are such a grey territory since there are usually strippers there. Guys in relationships are in a weird situation since is it wrong just to be there? Is it wrong to see another girl naked? Is it wrong to touch that naked girl? I'm sure if we took away the words Bachelor Party from this topic. I'd hear a consensual "Hell yes" to all those questions. Because people in commited relationships shouldn't do those things. But all of a sudden, you throw in a Bachelor Party context and its just Boys being Boys..being in a sexual situation with another woman is now acceptable. I think men validate going since they can easily say "Well, I didn't bring the strippers" or "Its not like I picked up some girl in a club & brought her home". But they dont' realize that to us women, you were sexual and felt sexual with someone who was NOT us. That on its own is why betrayal is felt.

But women on the other hand, we expect a lot from the guy we're with. And part of that is we expect you to be a mind reader. You should know what right and wrong is. We expect you to know that if you do A you will shatter our hearts, which will inevitably lead to B (breakup). We want to be the only ones who will ever turn you on, the only girl who you will look at and think "Thats Hot". We want to be the "Be all, and End all" for you. These expectations aren't completely fair, but its how most of us think. Women understand that men are visual creatures, but we still don't discount that as an excuse.

And as for the male friends who aren't in a relationship (eg this guys single friends at the Bachelor Party)..well, they add their own pressure. No man wants to look whipped to his friends. So if my friends boyfriend had declined the Bachelor Party offer using the "I have a girlfriend and there'll be strippers there" cop out..He wouldn't hear the end of it. No guy wants to lose face in front of his friends.

I get all this, but I also know that we as humans have choices. And if a man chooses to get into a relationship, he should respect it. That means making decisions where he looks at it from his AND her perspective. If you love someone, honor it. (..and that should go both ways)

So people, this is a complicated topic and I don't think its ever going to morph into an easy one. My little post here may have created more questions than answers:) But I do believe no-holds barred, honest communication is the only answer. So if you're reading this and are in a relationship, puuuh lease bring up the topic. At least you won't have lose the relationship on the basis of not communicating. And if you're single, like moi, consider how you would feel in a situation like this..so when you do find a man/woman that you will know where your personal limits are for them and yourself.

{ Bachelor Parties need not be the enemy. Just the strippers:) Why don't guys just go back to a safe activity like playing Scrabble. Noone ever lost a relationship over a boardgame:) Lol. }