Commitment Claustrophobia

This post was born, from a request from Sanith, one of my Blog Readers. He posed the question to me " What is it that makes Commitment so difficult?" and asked me to write a post on it. Honey, I could go on about this fo'ever! So here goes..those of you standing, please sit down..this may be a long one:)

We all have our views on this loaded word. So I thought I'd look it up. Just so we are all on the same page:

Commitment - The state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to a course of action or to another person or persons.

Hmmm.."bound" emotionally to another person. Bound..as in Handcuffs? Sounds like some kinky S&M to me! Ok, enough with the bad jokes. Seriously, I think the word has much more meaning than the dictionary definition. Otherwise, we can all say we are commited to someone out there (eg, mom, dad, girlfriend, boyfriend, cat, chia pet) with no problemos whatsoever. The definition may make commitment seem like such a simple thing to attain and keep. When actually its far from that.


I think a lot of people have what I call Commitment Claustrauphobia (yes, another Desi Diva invented word for y'all).. Lets just call it CC so you don't sprain your tongue having to say it. Where Claustrophobia is "a fear of being in an enclosed space". It basically is "the fear of not having an easy escape route.". You feel like you need to get out..quickly!. Combine this with Commitment and we have people who are scared of being trapped in a relationship with no way out. I think all of us have a little CC in them and some of us are even full fleged, "I got the CC Ph.D" peeps. So maybe asking ourselves why commitment is so difficult or scary will help all of us understand this issue, and maybe we'll be able to join the "I do" crew one day.

What most of us REALLY feel commitment entails, is having a huge responsibility to someone, dumped on us. Its signing yourself over to someone with a permanent ink marker. Once you've done it, you can't go back. Oooooh, that sounds final.

When we enter into a committed marriage, what we're supposed to be feeling is " I love you so much, that now, I only want to spend my time with you. You are the apple of my eye and I am going to do all that I can to make you happy." Yadda Yadda Yadda.

But what a lot of us are REALLY feeling may give us an internal dialogue filled with "What If" thoughts, which ends up sounding kinda like this:

"I do love you, but I'm scared shitless that I may be making a wrong decision. There are so many other hotties out there, and what if one of them is my Mr/Miss Perfect, how do I really know if you're "The One"?? . Am I selling myself short? Maybe all these mushy feelings inside are just lust and not love?. What if I'm totally wrong about you? What if this happy snappy wonderful relationship, gets shot to hell after I commit to you and you become a dragon lady/man who drives me crazy? What then??? What if..we stop loving each other? I don't know if I can go through anoooother breakup."


Making such FINAL decisions are also not easy or natural in our world. We're so used to changing channels, clothes, eating this or that, getting into flings and getting flung out of them. Life for the typical girl/guy can be very adaptable and temporary. We always have a choice with most things, if we no longer like them. But with the "C" word, all of a sudden, you're having to stay in something, through the good, the bad and the ugly. Its giving your word to stick through it, even when the relationship makes a detour to Crap Ville. That can and is scary for a lot of us.


And although most of us want to be with one person in a loving relationship (this excluded Hugh Hefner), the commitment that we are expected to give can be very daunting. We're looking for the fabulous relationship but scared of staying in it. We want one without the other. And just like a cheap suits and polyester, commitment and responsibility go inexplicably hand in hand. There's no way around it.

Some people with CC may feel that noone is good enough for them. We've all grown up hearing Fairy Tales and are practically inundated with marriage ideals from society/media. We're expecting that "the one" will be someone absolutely perfect. He/she will look, act and be everything that you've dreamed of. I thought at one time too, that Mr Perfect was out there and would just land on my doorstep, but the longer I've been on this planet and the more I mature (or at least try to!), I realize that perfection is a unrealistic desire. I have guy friends who have backed out of commitment (relationship or marriage) because they thought they would be missing out on finding Miss Perfect. Their girlfriend had flaws and that was too much for them to accept. I think looking for some contrived perfection will only cause CC'ers to lose out in the end. The guy/girl may be hot, but sooner or later the flaws will surface. Time will pass them by, until one day they are old and alone. I think it's more rational and logical to commit to someone who is more or less like you in the major ways (these depend on whats important to you, but some major ways could be religion, education, interests etc) and wing it from there.

Other CC's may have lost faith that love could ever be everlasting. Either they've had bad relationships or have grown up with parents who weren't happy. And in a lot of Indian Parent marriages , they've just stuck it out because they felt they had no choice. Divorce was the ultimate taboo, so even though they weren't in love or had nothing in common, they remained commited..even more so, for the sake of the children. And don't we all know people like this..even sometimes I feel like my own parents weren't the most compatible for each other. Sure they care about each other and have grown to love each other over the years, but they are very different people. And like two mountain goats, I've seen them butt heads over the years. Maaaany times. They had an arranged marriage though, so I guess for them commitment wasn't a choice it was mandatory.


Personally, I think this has pushed the CC button in me, since I want to find someone who will be completely compatible with me and who I'll have a happy marriage with, but I'm scared that I'll just repeat my parents mistakes.

For those people who grew up in a loving house, they haven't escaped the wrath of CC-dom either. These people have seen a lot of friends, family and strangers get married and then divorced. Its a sad fact, but so many people in our age group, are doing the marriage thang only to figure out later that they weren't meant to be and they want out. Our generation, has moved on from that of our parents, and if we don't like married life..we leave. Are those people having a delayed CC reactions? Probably.

So either we've grown up seeing our parents with CC or our friends. I think that plants the seed in all of us, for our own commitment fears.

So what the hell are CC's scared of? Here's some of the icky fears we may have of commitment:

...Not Making Your Partner Happy

Part of the commitment entails making and keeping your girl or guy happy. And unless this is your first relationship, and you're the perfect gf/bf/human..you are bound to have a history of relationships that didn't work out for whatever reason. All this baggage just makes us feel more insecure if we can make this commitment thing work or not . And ultimately the CC fears having to feel Failure. (yup, the other "F" word)

...Getting hurt..again.
This goes back to the baggage we have from past relationships and the fear of not making this one work. Also, after making a public commitment like marriage and seeing sooo many people get divorced, a CC'er may be scared of taking the risk.

..That your Independence will be gone..foooorever!
This is a biggy. When you're dating, you have a different commitment level. And I'm sure there are those of you who are in lusty love, who are going to be saying that you already feel like you're married. But believe me, from every friend and family member I know who's gotten married, it ain't the same.

When you're a girl/boyfriend, you still have a life. You can see your friends, keep other interests, do whatever..all while having a significant other. When you're married & committed, you have more responsibilites than taking care of yourself. Suddenly there is Jane or Joe Smoe sleeping beside you in bed, who wants to know where his socks are, whats for dinner, or why the dishes aren't clean.

A lot of married people no longer spend time with their single friends (ie me!). Now its all about doing the couple thing, and for those thinking of taking the plunge and getting married..this can all be scary. Though there are a lot of understanding husbands and wives out there, there are also many who have cracked the whip and having girls or boys night out is now as rare as Halley's comet.

..No longer being attracted to your spouse
We're all going to grow old and wrinkly as a Sharpei Puppy, but for those plagued with CC, they fear having to sleep with one person for the rest of their lives. I think men may feel this fear more than women. But we experience it too. Before marriage, everyone puts their best foot forward and tries to look hot for their bf or gf. But after the wedding bells have rang, the makeup comes off (your wife now looks like Phyllis Dillar), the gym memberships stop getting renewed (oh honey, its just more of me to love), and you see your girl or guy in a whole new physical light ( a blindingly bright, this is reality light). This is the point when the CC may be screaming for his rose colored glasses?!


...Not getting along with your In Laws
If your Indian and you've seen any Bollywood movie or soap opera, you'll be inundated with the mother and daughter-in-law trials and tribulations they show. We've all heard the old line "you marry the family and not just the person", and I believe this to be very true. CC people fear having to spend time and get along with in laws who they don't know too well or whom they hate (grrrr).

...Having to deal with the much dreaded, "Honey Do.." Syndrome
This translates into marital expectations being slapped onto you before you know what hit you. CC peeps shudder at the thought of saying "I do " and then,all of a sudden, having to deal with "Honey Do this..or Honey Do that"

Go get the groceries..vacumn the floor..put the toilet seat down...stop being a slob..make me some Roti woman!..and on and on and on...


...Financial & Debt Woes..Oh my!
You or your cutie pie are entering into a Marriage, ridden with Student Loans or sky high Credit card bills, and the stress of it all freaks the CC in you out. You've heard that Money is the number #1 reason for Divorce...and that only gives you more reason to back away from Commitment.

....From Lovers to Strangers
We've all seen those couples at restaurants who are sitting across from each other saying nothing. Chewing away on their food,they look lost and sad. This is one of my fears. I don't think there's anything wrong with having quiet moments when you're together, but when those moments drift into years, it gives me the CC heebie jeebies.

I'm sure there are other fears to contend with on the CC laundry list..too many to mention. And I couldn't cover them all, since they all depend on you and what your own personal worries are.

So now the next logical question is: What do we do about these fears? Apart from visiting your local therapists couch, I think it largely comes down to every CC to take the leap. It's hard to accept that a commited relationship will not be a perfect one. And I doubt any relationship is going to be free from some of these problems. But once your expectations of what commitment will be like change, you're less likely to be disappointed.

I do believe that, if we can silence those fears inside, maybe we'll have the chance to share and experience something amazing. From what I hear from my married friends, it ain't all that bad. Sure they have to deal with their kids spitup and/or their husbands laziness..but in the end, all the trials and tribulations have caused them to grow closer. And they say they wouldn't trade it for anything.

Getting over the CC fears, involves being truthful with yourself. Somewhere inside of us, we all have the answers. It's usually that little voice that we tend to ignore, that tells us the most. Committing to someone will give us a life that will be different from Singledom...no doubt about it. But different doesn't necessarily have to mean bad. And I think those fears don't necessarily have to become reality, if you really are aware of them and work on things. Thats why I'm giving these fears a voice in this post. To show that many of us are going through the same feelings. And that perhaps by bringing this all to light, commitment will really seem less intimidating.

I guess to me, ultimately it's Friendship and Communication which are key. Looks will fade, he will start looking like Grover from Sesame Street..but its the deep bond which I hope will connect me to my future lovey. I'm banking that will keep the commitment fresh.

Now all I have to do is take care of one minor detail..FIND HIM
(Ah! Damn those minor details!)