Clubsumptions

This weekend, I went out with my girls, to a club. I haven't been in a while, and maybe this is why. I am reaching my tolerance level for the "Unwritten" rules that exist in clubs (let's call them "Clubsumptions" i.e the assumptions men & women make for their club behavior). These rules are somehow assumed by both genders as soon as they pay cover and walk into those doors.

For those of you who look as stupified as Homer Simpson (duh!) right now, let me explain:

The Rules at the Club: "Clubsumptions"

Some or all of these rules must be adhered to as soon as you step past the Velvet Rope and into a club. These are rules which are assumed to gaaaaruntee you a hellava night.

Version 1.0 - Assumptions made by the Guys

1. Must come to the club, wearing at least one bottle of cologne. Preferably Drakkar Noir or Old Spice. Something which is bound to attract the ladies or at least knock them out with their overpowering aroma. It is thought by the men that the soaking of their bodies in these colognes will transform them into a Stud Meister and a force to be reckoned with. Remember more is better to smell your best.

2.You will try and look like every other guy. Clothes and all. Try and be as trendy as possible in your striped button down shirts and jeans. Uniqueness is frowned down upon.

3. Wearing dark sunglasses will make the women swoon. Why would they need to look into your glazed over, drunken eyes anyways? Keep the peepers covered. That way they will never be able to look into the "Windows of your Soul" and see your deviant motives.

4. You may behave in any sexually inappropriate way possible. The club is like your own personal playground. And the women are the see-saws and swings..just a waitin to be groped, touched, grabbed in any way you like. Its not like they're strangers or like you would neeeeever do any of this if you weren't in the club, without them slapping you in the face. But as soon as you enter the pearly gates of clubland, you can do as you please. This also includes inappropriate comments about their body. Because women apparently looooove this. They like random, drunk men to make them feel like sexual objects..so Cat Call her to the max!

5. If somehow a woman rejects you, then by all means..try, try and try again. There is no such thing as "No". Really she thinks you're a total babe and when she tells you she'd pepper spray your ass if you attempt to touch her again, what she really means is that she wants you to be persistant. Its not ticking her off..really.

6. The only type of dancing that exists is Grinding or trying to be a pseudo Michael Jackson circa Thriller. Again, this is what impresses the ladies. So shake it like a Polaroid picture.

7. Feel free to makeout with anyone you want. Everyone will enjoy the show and double points for you if you have a girlfriend (because they neeeeever find out anyway)

8. You main goal for coming to a club is not to dance or chill with your friends. This is not the point of the night for you. One night stands are your goal. Relationship..what the hell is that?

9. Deodorant. Huh?

10. Fight anyone that your drunken brain fancies. You are the Muhammad Ali of the club and even if you are more the size of Steve Urkel, it doesn't matter. Because here in the club, you can vent your testosterone as you please. Your fighting skills will make you into a Superstar..or at least a Stupidstar.

Version 2.0 - Assumptions made by the Ladies

1. You must dress to impress. This means wearing as little as possible. If the guys can see more of you then they could possibly ever imagine, then kudos to you!!. When you bend over, if the men can see London, France and your Underpants..100 points.

2. You will act like a hoe and nuttin but a hoe. This means getting up on the speakers /stage and dancing like your day jobs involves stilettos and a pole. Work it baby, work it!

3. You will give every woman you think is prettier than you, the dreaded Evil Eyes. This means staring at her with such intensity and attitude that she will want to melt into a puddle of goo in your presence. Because you don't want them to take your pick of the drunken men, do you?

4. Any nasty man who wants to grind with you, allow them to. Because you're sooo hot and you know everyone wants you. So let you inner hoochie mama run wild.

5.Making out or going home with someone who isn't your boyfriend is perfectly acceptable. STD's?? Oh you mean, Sex Til Dawn..yee haw!

6.Drink until everyone in the club looks likes Brad Pitt or at least until your stomach feels like the pits.

7. You are here to act like a Miss Thang, whether or not you have a chance in hell of actually being one. You rule when you enter the club. And are allowed to push or step on other people's feet while walking around the club premises. Hey, those high heels are really meant to be weapons of mass destruction. Use them at your will and get the man!

8. When using the public washroom. You are welcome to vomit whereever you like. Also, flushing of the toilets is optional. You are there to primp and cake on more makeup to look like the hottie you are.


As you can see, these Clubsumptions aren't the easiest to deal with. I don't know why some people feel they have certain liberties or can act in whatever punk ass way that they want to, when they enter into a club. But sadly, they do. And even more sad, is that, those of us who want to go for reasons not mentioned in the Rules (like to have a good drama-free time!!) have to deal with this.

I just go because I love to dance and hang out with my friends. I'm not looking to find Prince Charming there or any of his palace servants. All I want, is to have a good time without having to deal with groping, grimy men and chicks with attitude up to their yin yang.

If you hear what I'm sayin..holla back y'all.