Is Friendster the "New" Black?

I just talked a friend last night who was telling me that Internet Site Dating was so passe. Supposedly, the "friend" sites are the in -thing. I'm talking about Friendster or Hi5. I have noooo idea if any of these work, but apparently a lot of people I know are meeting people that way.

Is it because people feel more comfortable going on these sites under the guise of being a friend, or meeting through a friend of a friend, and you're getting the more "normal" people of the bunch unlike the "vil you marry me now, my sweet jelabi" guys from Shaadi.

Um, I'm not sure, but whichever way you cut it, it just looks like good ol' Internet Dating to me..maybe I'll try it, maybe not, but before I make the leap it would be nice to hear if anyone else has had good or bad experiences on those sites..

Dude, Where's My Brain?

I talked to this guy I've been emailing from one of those infamously notorious Desi Sites. His pic passed (he wasn't drool worthy but he was definitely a cutie), his emails were witty and interesting, . I was looking forward to talking to him. Could this guy actually be someone I might get along with? But the apparent fantasy I built up about Boy Wonder came crashing down when he uttered his first three words. " Hi, Dude, wassup".

Ok, maybe to your homies up in South Central you can call them Dude, but I'm talking to you for the first time,. I'm a girl not a dude, and THIS is the first impression you give me. Well, the whole conversation was very "dude" filled and now I've added the word to my pet peeve list.

How hard is it to speak normally?! I couldn't even concentrate on what he was saying because every sentence had a dude in it. I was telling myself in my mind, "Ignore the Dudes, Ignore the Dudes"..but the more I did that, the more I heard it. I felt like laughing my head off. It was yadda yadda yadda, DUDE, yada, DUDE, DUDE, yada yada. I couldn't believe someone who seemed so normal was such a dolt!

Lets just say that was our first and last conversation. I'm now officially Dude-Free and back to the drawing board.

The Case of the Wandering Eyes

I came back from lunch with one of my galpals. The food was yum..Italian..my favorite but there was something a little rotten with the ambiance in the restaurant...and thus this post was born. Why do men carelessly check out women when they're on a date? In between bites of spaghetti, we notice this dude checking out some girl..not subtly ,which would be the kind thing to do, but blatantly, in yo face checking her up and down. The problem with this story was the guy had a girlfriend, who saw the rude display of scoping also. She looked so upset. I feel bad for the girl, because I've been there..even my friend at lunch has.

Ok, I know men are visual creatures and they have a hellava lot of testosterone...that can't be changed. But come on, isn't there anything to be said for having some respect for your date?? Its not like us women don't see better looking guys out there when we're on dates with you, but you do your business and have a quick glance, and no harm is done. A lot of guys, on the other hand, would rather peruse over some random chicks body with their glassed over drooling eyes looking like they're imagining her in ways even a XXX rating wouldn't be acceptable for.

I just don't get it. All it does is make us feel insecure and we have to go through the whole mental play-by-play of why this random girl can capture our dates attention instead of us. Then you ask us whats wrong...ahhhhhhhhhhh!

Why why why I ask!?

The Frustrations of Expectations

For an average desi..life is brimming with expectations. I experience this daily with my parents. My mom expects my culinary skills to be so refined by now (like a good Indian woman's should be) that I should be outdoing Emeril. My brother, on the other hand, oh..well, it doesn't matter if he even knows how to boil water.

Yes, I don't want to grumble on about the apparently neverending sterotypical gender roles for East Indians..but I can't say it doesn't irk me. It irks me more than irking could irk!! (now say that 3 times fast). Why can't Desi Women be appreciated for more than their domestic skills?? Why are there so many expectations for us?

For instance, if you go to a dinner at some Uncle or Aunties home, first off you are bound to see the woman and men seperate into their own little conversations. The women will end up somewhere in the vacinity of their home away from home..aka.the kitchen..and the topic will revolve around food, babies, what their kids are doing, who's marrying whom..general gossipy stuff.

Meanwhile, all the Uncles and other men are sitting in the living room talking about life. They talk about politics, current affairs and things that MEAN something. I've found myself so many times in the dilemma of having to be stuck with the ladies talking about something I'm not really interested in, all because I am expected to stay there (gossip and help with the food). So many times, I wished that the women would talk about something of relevance. Life shouldn't be all about weddings and which cleaner works the best on pots.

I'm not sure if this is a purely Indian phenomenon..and I would be interested to hear from all you non-desi's out there. Are desi women the only ones dealing with this? I sincerely hope not.

As for this changing anytime soon..well, all my married girlfriends are almost falling into the same scenario. It hasnt gotten into the total gossip stage yet, but its getting close. Last time, the conversation of choice was if the Swiffer was better than the competition. I felt like pulling my eyelashes off! Mind you, I do understand that domestic stuff should be talked about since we, girls,are the ones dealing with the brunt of the burden..but there are other things in life to talk about people!!

Beyond these expectations, Desi kids are expected to go to University, find the perfect spouse (who is of the same religion, yada yada yada), then have their own perfect kids who also go to the ideal University and god forbid they marry someone non-desi?!..The list goes on and sometimes I feel that our lives are scripted more by our parents and society's expectations rather than our own.

Come to think of it, sometimes I don't even know my own expectations of myself. I'm so brainwashed by what I should do and shouldn't do, that given the opportunity, I'm not sure what I would really want. Do you know what YOU really want or is what you want what your parents want? Think about it.

The expectations inherited by us are usually laden with the fear of disappointment. This one is purely me. I'm the ultimate people pleaser who pleases the world before she pleases her self. I would hate to see my parents disappointed in me. Its something that unfortunately drives my decisions and choices.

When you live in a cultural society where its normal for parents to micromanage your life and indulge you with all their expectations of you, its easy to get overwhelmed. This, perhaps, people who are not Indian may not understand. Since, the North American lifestyle dictates self wants as king. But for us Desi Kids who are dealing with it..its the pitts! (and we're not talking about Brad here)

Well, thats about all for now..time to go and clean the fridge and make some parathas ;)

Progression or Degression?

Hi Ladies, Men, Kids and Animals of all ages. Welcome to another blurb from Yours Truly:)

I was talking with some girlfriends (a mix of single and married) the other day, and listening to the usual grumblings about not being able to find a man or the man who they've found being tooooootally different after they got hitched. The common thread of that conversation and so many others, made me think later if desi guys in our generation have really evolved from the "Old School" Uncles and Dads of yesteryear.

Firstly, I like to say a brief disclaimer that this is just MY opinion..if you don't agree, fine and if you do, even better. This is not anti male or anti desi guy post..just my honest 2 cents on a confusing topic. And if some random Indian guy, who is taking a break from his Med School books happens to be reading this, hopefully reading this post will give you some insight on what us girls think about you. Learning how we feel can only cause change. Yes women, I'm going to change the world!! One desi guy at a time. (ok, I'll sit down now)

From my personal standpoint, my dad has been a pretty progressive guy. He doesn't dress like someone who's shoes are still wet from coming off the boat, nor are his interests typical. He is well rounded in what he reads and watches (yes, CNN and TLC are on in my house more than the desi channels, which most Indians parents are glued to 24-7 ). He's a pretty modern father in most respects, except that of his ideas on women/men dynamics. In that case, he is completely typical desi man..all the way!! (Dad, if you're reading this..I still love you!). His views are that women should be doing the traditional roles like cooking, cleaning and raising the kids..and his job as a man is to provide the loot. Besides that, he can come home and kick back his feet and have my mom take care of everything. Ah, ain't life grand!

Growing up, I, being the pro Equality chick that I am, have always hated this and have said naively, more than a million times, that "Nope, whomever I marry is going to be 100% equal all the way..We will treat each other more like friends and lovers than business partners" . Plus, I wasn't all Martha Stewarty growing up and made roti's in the shapes of planets. Enough said. I believed that guys who I would meet would be radically different. Hey, most of them grew up with some North American culture..they lived in similar households..how could they not want things to be different for their wives?

Well, little did I know that when I grew up, I would learn two heartbreaking truths. First, that Santa was some bitter old man dressed up in a mall driven by the throngs of Commercialism, but also (and much more saddening) that Desi Guys (and I'll say many but not all because I am hoping there is some Perfect man/ Arjun Rampal lookalike out there with my name on it) haven't really changed. People, we're in 2005 here not 1805..but whenever I run into a desi girl who wants to yadda yada yada about her lifes woes..the topic always comes up about the expectations of our male desi compadres.

These seemingly intelligent, witty, metrosexual men of the 00's are still expecting to find a wife who fits the mommy mold. But unlike their predecessors, they aren't just happy with the well accomplished housewife. Nooooo, these guys do not only want Miss Perfect in the home, but she also has to have a good education, workout to keep the killer bod (so all their friends will be drooling and jealous), have a "kick ya mamas ass" amazing job, raise the kids,be funny and witty enough to overthrow Chappelle, and....you get the picture. I'm just getting tired writing about it!!

What I think, is men now have up'ed the Anty on the spousal expectations. And us women are expecting someone who will think of us like equals and not dump every responsibility on our pretty little heads (are we just brianwashed from watching Days of our Lives too much?). Somewhere the wants and needs are not matching up and when that happens..there is frustration, disappointment and what is now increasingly popular...divorce. Its sad to say, but so many people in our community ,in their 20's and 30's, are calling it quits.

Desi women now are more independent than our mothers were. Our moms weren't thrilled about the gender dynamics, but they dealt with it. They hoped for something better for us . But what the guys grew up seeing, somewhere inside of them, they've instilled how Daddy Dearest was treated, as the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. For them, if Dad had it so good, then why the hell can't they? In a way, I can't blame them. We learn from what we see. And if what we see is a hellava great lifestyle, then thats what we want. They're looking for Mom version 5.0.

So, now the dilemma is that its very rare to find that guy who views you as more than a personal servant. Ok..I know thats pretty harsh, but if a dude expects a woman to do all the dirty work while he chills, then thats what she is.

All of my single girlfriends have horror stories of guys who are more impressed by their cooking abilities than their career. What exactly should we be? I guess thats my next question. Do we, as single desi girls, conform to the golden standard for women by trying to do it all or do we bravely stand for WHO we are as being more important than WHAT we know.

So, have men PROgressed or DEgressed through the desi evolutionary line. I'm not sure if I know for sure what the answer to that is, but what I see more commonly, is that desi guys progress with their lives (education, trendy clothing, a better lifestyle than their fathers) but they are degressing with their views on us and what they really want from us.


Well, thats my sphell. Rant and Rave away!

The Rules..For Finding The Desi Man Of Your Dreams!!

Hello All..tis Friday and I thought what better way to start the weekend then to post my blog with some advice for all us Desi "Serially Single" Chicks.

I came across this article (written by a Ms. Roxanna Kassam whose writing totally rocks!) and cut and paste the essentials of it. Its about the quest to find the Modern Desi Dude and the key points we should all be on the lookout for.Yes, a guy who is normal, mentally stable (no asylum history here girls), and over the typical women/men stereotype B.S. we have to deal with..which basically translates to him not acting like a Neanderthal about equality!!Its funny, its direct and hopefully it will help us find a man! (am I sounding a wee bit desperate? Well I guess singledom is getting to this girl).

Enjoy & hope it helps someone out there .That is, before she ends up with a greasy haired Indian dude who smells like some "curry gone bad" fiasco..screaming like a caveman for his woman to make him some rotis. Ah, I shudder at the thought! Ugh.

After reading this if you know a guy like this..puuuuh lease either keep him or otherwise FedEx his Butt to me!


1.He doesn't live with his mother. Of all the women I polled, this was by far the most popular answer. We tended to agree with Noreen Banerji from "(D)evolution"—many South Asian men are still tied to their mother's apron strings and expect you to carry on the dubious honor of setting their alarm clocks at night and making them fresh chillas every morning. The key, my friends agreed, is to find a man who has already been weaned from his mother. "A guy who lives by himself has already learned how to be independent—how to cook his own meals, pay his own bills and clean up after himself," is what my best friend Farah Murji, 29, looked for. Farah has been happily married for a year. "This means that they rely on you less and may actually be happy to do some of those things for you." Amen to that, sister: A boy who is house-trained is a must. As my friend Dewlyn D'Mellow, 26, puts it, "There's a big difference in domestication in guys who've been ripped away from mama's bosom prior to the big day."
And while we're on the topic of mothers, make sure you meet his. Is she a progressive, independent woman who has taught her son strength of character and integrity? Or is she Marie Barone from Everybody Loves Raymond? The difference will be a sure sign of how he expects you to behave in your relationship. If she still spoon-feeds him at dinner, throw down your napkin and run like the wind, girl.


2.He has multi-cultural friends."Having a wide range of friends from different cultures shows that he is not only open to different perspectives, he actually seeks them out," says Rahima Nenshi, 24. "He will probably be more open to new ideas and more apt to change his way of thinking." This means that a desi guy who hangs out with desi guys may just trade the same tired old "wifey" stereotypes, whereas one who spends time with friends of different cultures will collect a host of different perspectives on his ideal partner. So don't just look for the fellas at mybindi.com events; widen your perspective a bit and attend a multicultural gathering or two. If nothing else, it will help turn your attention to the plethora of guys from other cultures.


3.He has gay friends. While multicultural friends are a plus, I find that a man with gay friends is even more important. A guy who is comfortable around gay people is comfortable with his own masculinity, which can be a huge factor in his willingness to take on duties that may be outside the traditional male role. While Trusty Boyfriend did not have gay friends when I met him, he was happy to meet my gay best friend and even comes to gay clubs with us. His acceptance of my friend showed me that he was open to different lifestyles and ways of thinking and that he was secure enough in himself not to be threatened by them. A guy who automatically begins homophobic posturing at the mere mention of a gay relationship, or worse yet, laughs Beavis–and-Butthead style while making inappropriate hand gestures, might not be the most open-minded guy when it comes to transcending traditional male-female roles. Worse yet, you'll spend half the night apologizing for him at parties.


4. He is younger than you. This is a big one, ladies. Do not just discount the perfect man because he may be one or two or 15 years younger than you. (OK, do discount the 15-year-old.) But seriously, younger guys—even by a few years—may possess just what you're looking for. Many women want men who are ten years older than them, well established and making the big bucks. Then they complain when there is a power dynamic. If you don't want the guy to have all the power, stop looking for a guy who commands all of it. Finding a man who is a few years younger than you or is in the same place in his career or schooling immediately evens out the playing field and makes it easier to find flexible solutions to fit both of you. You want him to stay home with the kids? Well, if he's still in school or just starting out, he may be able to swing that. But the 35-year-old bringing in the lion's share of the income? Not so much. Also, older guys have played the field and know what they want, while you still may be figuring it out. By going with a guy who is younger, you are less likely to mold yourself into his expectations of a life partner; instead, you can form your own expectations of the relationship, together. A big plus, even if you have to put up with all those tired "robbing the cradle" jokes.


5.He grew up around women. This was another piece of wisdom my girlfriends unanimously agreed upon. As my best friend Farah points out, "A guy who grew up with women understands their daily trials and tribulations and will be able to relate to you more than a guy who grew up in an all-male household." Since Trusty Boyfriend had women roommates all through university, he understands the subtle variations in the dizzying array of hair straighteners and is not averse to popping by the maxi-pad aisle when I am in need. Newlywed Rishma Govani, 29, praises the desi man who understands the hairy dilemmas of South Asian women everywhere, claiming that "the perfect desi guy knows all about unwanted hair and dutifully reads his Oprah magazine while waiting in the car for his freshly-threaded girlfriend to emerge." The bottom line is, you need to feel comfortable around a guy—and that is much easier when you don't have to hide the Nair in the back of your underwear drawer or save your favorite ratty pajamas for nights when he is out of town.

So take heart, girls: The Evolved Desi Dude may be in hiding, but he is certainly not extinct. All it takes is some concerted searching, keeping in mind the collective wisdom of women who have finally found the perfect desi guy (after years of imperfect ones). So go out there and find him—before the gora girls do.


Well said! Feel free to go comment crazy.

Do We Ever Really Get Over Our Ex's?

I was contemplating this very topic earlier today when I received a voicemail message from a guy I used to know back in the day. Ok..forget the politically correctness..he's an ex and its been more than 4 years. Things didn't end that well, and we disappeared from each others lives. Now after all this time, I get this message. A message asking me to call him. Why?

Do we ever really get over the people in our past? Personally, I don't think so. Even if it ended wonderfully (which they never tend to do) and you're all blissfully happy for each moving on ..there is still something to be said about sharing your life with someone. Even if its for a brief time. That person shared a piece of you.They set up shop in your heart. Heard all the intimate details of your life and went through a part of your life with you. 6mths or 6 years. It was a part of your life that will never come back again. You changed them and they changed you...forever (wow, that sounded pretty final)

So when it all ends, how can we really believe that a person's influence in our lives is truly over. Yes, we go through all the usual breaking up rituals. Like crying at every stupid thing that reminds you of the times you shared together. Eating gallons of Hagen Dazs. Blaming yourself for the whole mess and wondering when you'll ever get over him. Those feelings pass and slowly you can get through one day..and then one month. Life goes on. But does the fact that you are no longer "together" with someone mean that they automatically are denoted to something less. Like they were the President of the Company who gets shafted back to the Mailroom? Does all the time you've spent with them just get thrown away..kaput.

I guess thats why I don't like the word "Ex". Why do we give people our love to then only "Ex" them from our lives. Like they became some fungal growth, flesh eating disease bacteria that we must now cut off forever. Be gone, I say! I can't truthfully say that there aren't some guys in my past who were like toilet scum and ate away at my heart through the whole relationship, but I do know that each and every person who I've crossed the friendship and I love you lines with will always have some sort of influence on me. Good or bad. Maybe thats why he called. To see how the girl he loved once upon a time is. You're probably thinking I'm one delusionally naive chick. Maybe I am.

I haven't called him yet. Still pretty shocked to hear anything from his end. But I guess it gives me hope that even men who you think truly don't give a crap about you..do. Somewhere, sometime..our minds all wander off to those days from the past. Where something you see or hear reminds of you of them and that thought makes you happy.

I'm not sitting her typing and wishing he is calling me to tell me how much he missed me and how he was a total jerk for how things ended. The time for that is long gone. I'm past that and I'm sure he is too. But I do know, that for whatever time we did spend together, I did have some influence and effect on his life. As he did on mine. His imprint on my heart probably has changed me for the people I have met since then. (and this folks is what we call "Baggage")

Hearing his message today made me think of my other past bfs. Some I hear from and some have vanished. I wonder where the ones I don't hear from are. Are they happy? Have they found The One? Does my memory ever cross their minds or do they ever wonder what happened to me and my life? I'll probably never know the answers to those questions.

Oh well, c'est la vie. I'm going to go have some ice cream. Why save eating the good stuff only when the bad stuff happens?!

Welcome to the Joys and Horrors of Online Dating

I've been trying the online desi dating scene for a while now. Hmmm..having quite the experience so far. Lets just say there is no shortage of geeky doctors, engineers or pharmacists in the world! Putting up the profile was one thing..what the hell are you supposed to write on those things? Here you are trying to condense your crazy, complex personality into one little blurb, trying to attract someone cool and compatible amidst the sea of smucks. I'm not trying to be harsh, but if you browse the profiles, you too will see that picking a winner out of the bunch isn't the easiest thing. So far, I've would have had better luck being struck by lightening. I remember when I first signed up on one of those websites, I got tons of responses right away. I guess when they see "fresh meat" on the site, everyone tries to get it. Its worse for people with their pictures on. A couple of my friends have theirs on, and have gotten their inboxes bombarded with emails. As for me, I tried to respond to everyone (its soooo rude when people don't even respond back, even if its to say they're not interested) and actually found a few profiles interesting.

Then you go through to the next step, which is the Email Stage. Here you can start to read the person's personality more. Believe me, you can't hide the dorkiness forever!! You send your pic they send theirs. I guess I'm pretty picky because I haven't gotten one "Wow, he's hot" picture yet. And like I said in my previous posts, I'm not hung up on Supermodel looks. A couple of the guys were decent, but its still pretty hard to tell anything from those pictures. Either they are fuzzy or taken far away ( you gotta look out for those) or its some cheezy Bollywood picture where you can imagine that their wardrobe contains several silk shirts in all colors and white tennis shoes. Scary, I tell you!! For me, I have to ask myself the key question when I see a picture, which is "Can I imagine kissing him?". That on its own will give me a pretty good clue if he'll pass on to Stage 3 or be sent back to the online trenches.

But if you're lucky, a few will pass that and go on to the Lets Talk Stage. I have talked to a few guys and some were actually interesting. At this point, you're thinking: "Ok, he's not bad looking, I can find something physically attractive about him from his picture, his personality keeps me interested, lets meet and see whats wrong with him!". Ever heard of that phrase, "If its too good to be true, it probably is"..well, that applies to men as well. Had too many experiences where you get strung along thinking you met Prince Charming only to meet him and find out the whole compatibility thing was a bust.

Lets take one guy, we'll call him Pompous Vertically Challenged Man (PVCM for short). PVCM was good in the beginning. He passed all three crucial stages and I was ready to jump in and meet the guy. Since he lived pretty far away, I coordinated my visit with him with a wedding I had to go to. So after the wedding, I nervously dressed up, tried to look hot and sexy. But not TOO sexy, because then you could easily drift into Sluttydom and thats not the type of first date impression I care to make. So lets leave it at hot. After primping, we met at a bar nearby.

I had to sneak away from the wedding festivites and didnt tell anyone I was going to meet some online dude, because then I would have been flooded with questions, it would have reached the rumour mill in a nano second and the Aunties would have had a field day with it. It was just the type of thing they would have jumped on and made it way more than it actually was. Remember, to most of the older crowd in our community, dating is still a very western concept. Most of the parents hardly knew each other before they got hitched. So they still don't understand that us young'uns want to know someone and actually care about them before we dive in for a lifetime.

Ok..back to my story. I was supposed to wait at the bar and meet him. I sat there for a while looking around. I saw one desi who looks pretty hot and I was thinking " could that be him?". But then he walked straight past me. So I waited, feeling pretty damn nervous. Passing the safe feeling of being behind a computer screen now seems very daunting. My wait ended about 10 minutes later, when PVCM shows up. He is much shorter than he said on his profile. I'm 5'4 and with he was the same height.. Hmmm. I feel a tad disappointed because I realize the dude has already lied to me about basic physical attributes, but on second thought, I'm here, so why not make the best of it. We did get along on the phone, right? Gotta think positive. So we sit at the bar and order something. The weird feeling I was previously having lingers. I'm trying to fill the conversation in with a lot of yadda yadda yada, hoping to feel more comfortable but somehow all I feel is weird! We decide to leave and go to a restaurant. He drives us (ya, I know, he could be a closet axe murderer and kill me when I get in this car, but naive little me think like that at the time). Let me backup a bit. Walking through the parking lot he asks me to pick which one I'd think is his car. So I start with a trashy car (praying inside he says no)..he does. Then I move up to asking if an Accord is his. No again. We play this silly little game for what seems like eternity. You'd think if I got it wrong 3 times, he'd stop. But nooooooo, he goes on. The lot was packed btw, so you can imagine just how frustrated by the end of it.

To make a very long story short, he was driving an Mercedes Sports. All black..all leather. I got to hand it to PVCM, he has good taste in cars. The glow of the moment ended when we got in the car. All he could talk about was how he got this car when there was some humungous waiting list for it and how much money he makes and how much money he makes and did I mention he makes a lot of money. That put me off totally. Ya, sure he brings in the bacon (and some eggs and toast)..but bragging about it incessently isn't going to make this lady fall for you. One things I value in Modesty. I'm amazed when you meet people who have done so much or made so much or are very accomplished all around and they don't go tooting their own horn. They're modest and let people see there personality for what it is. What you are is definitely more important than what you are.

Well, all night long, all we talked about was HIM. What he likes, what he does, how he knows so and so (namedropping is a huge pet peeve) and how in general he's basically this God who any woman would loooooooove to have and I'm just lucky to be spending a few of his precious hours! (oh! lucky lucky me!).The guy is 35 and I'm sitting there thinking, "If you're such a catch Shorty than why haven't you been snatched up already?".He goes on to tell me how he's so good looking and has never been turned down by a girl. Oh goody.

Our wonderful predate conversations are now becoming a distant memory. Seeing him, in the flesh and in 3D, is definitely a reality check from the phone calls and blurry pics. I'm quickly realizing that he isn't the one and I'm trying to be polite and listen to his incessant self promotion. I'm not even sure he could tell you 4 things about me from our conversation, but I know more than I want to know. He actually told me to meet him again during my weekend. But I blamed it on the Aunties, and said it would be hard to get out. Uh huh. Then he tries to lean in for a kiss before I leave. Ok..does he actually think I was interested AT ALL?..Because I tried to look as bored as humanely possible, anything to drop the hint. I turn away at the right moment and give him a hug instead. All the while thinking, why do I have to touch him?...haven't I had to deal with enough all night? I leave back to the hotel..tired..disappointed.



Thats just one of my online nightmare stories..I could go on..But I'll spare you the gory details for another post. I'm tired just writing about it. Ah, I'm hoping someday all this searching will be worth it and I can laugh about it all with my fabulous hot husband:) (sure..right..whatever)

Goodnight.

Weddings, Weddings Everywhere!

Tis wedding season, and I have gone to many this year. Weddings used to be fun once upon a time when I was a wee lil child, but they slowly turned torturous when the Aunties of the community decided to hassle me about finding a boy. For those of you, who are wondering who these "Aunties" are, first off, they are NOT related to me in any way but the fact that we are both east indian and female. They usually are the older, married women in the community who make it their business to get into yours (or any "eligible" person for that matter) and grill you until you feel like screaming. Ahhhhhhhhhh! Ok, now that I got that out of my system lets get back to all this Aunty Smanty talk.

I've had to endure years of their interogating me about why I'm not married, who would I like to marry, and can they introduce me to their nice, good desi boy son/nephew or any other "eligible" guy that they so deem would be peeeerfect for you. I usually retort with some wise comeback or just laugh it off.

But this last wedding I went to a few weeks back, was definitely different. Aunties were there in drones..but gone were the questions. Weirdly enough, I think they've given up on me..either that, or they think I'm lesbian. Which I'm not..but thats besides the point. In their minds, any girl who's "held out" on the marriage bandwagon past the mid 20's, is intelligent and is decent looking MUST have something wrong with her. Why else wouldn't she be married?

I feel that the constant pressure in the desi community to get married lessens the value of learning about yourself and figuring out what you really want in life..or who you want for that matter. I'm not the person I was 5 yrs ago or even 2 yrs ago. People change and life is dynamic. If I would have gotten hitched at 25, the type of guy I would have chosen would have been a lot different than my ideal man for today. I know a lot of people who've given into the pressure and married young only to realize the person sleeping next to them is someone who isn't really compatible.

But when you're young, you're not looking for Mr Stability Man, you're looking for Mr Spontaneous, Mr Harlequin Romance, or Mr. Live for Today. You don't know who you are well enough to make that type of huge decision. Now I'm probably going to get flack for this, because I'm sure there are tons of 20-24 yr olds who are going to say that it worked for them. I'm not trying to say that marrying young will never work. All I'm saying is that how you perceive life and people is different when you're young compared to when you're a senior citizen like myself:)

I was talking to some of my other friends dealing with the same problem. We're above average in looks, well educated, mentally stable (well at least thats what our shrinks tell us!). So why can't we find a decent desi guy? As an Indian woman, I find that as we age, we lower our standards in a mate. Also, the eligible pool of guys gets cut down a lot. We become these older, mature women who seemingly have it all but can't find anyone to share it with.

For guys though, they can age to their hearts delight. The Aunty syndrome doesn't usually inflict them as bad. They probably get immunized when they're born. They can explore their 20's and even go into their 30's knowing that they'll find someone..sooner or later. They can thoroughly invest time in building up a great career without the lingering thought that the longer they wait the less girls there will be for them. Actually, all the Aunties and Uncles would be thrilled if some independent, financially stable dude in his 30's decided to marry their 24 yr old daughter. For us women though, if we were the 30 something marrying the 20 something..we'd be the rumour mills latest target. Ooooooooooh..taboo!

I'm not even sure us late 20's, early-mid 30's crowd appeal to them anymore. Are we too independant? Will we not just deal with their flaws like so many younger chicks will? Are we not satisfied with just a mediocre way or being treated? I'm not sure, but one male friend of mine said that the younger women are definitely more compromising and are eager to please. Just get a dog then why don't you?! Plus, oh here's the kicker.. they have more childbearing years on them. Ok, so when did being barefoot and pregnant go on the top 10 list for qualities a desi guy wants? Just because we're older doesn't mean we can't have kids!!

I think us MDC (Mature Desi Chicks) are left scrambling for whatever's left of the older guys, feeling desperate and willing to settle at times while the men can "afford" to act like jerks..cuz time isnt' that huge of a factor to them...so if they lose us, we can be easily replaced. Ah! Why is there such a double standard???

Oh well, thats my $0.02. Hopefully noone is taking this as some feminist spheil. All I'm trying to say is there are huge double standards in our community..no ifs, ands or butts about it!

The Dilemmas of Desi Dating..Take 1

Hello World! I decided to try the "Blog Phenomenon" as a way to express my thoughts on life & love and hear the thoughts of others. Hopefully this public introspection will not only help me but also others will be able to relate.

Ok..I guess I'll start with a little about myself. I'm a S.D.F. (Single Desi Female, that is). Trying to find "The One"..so far..has been no easy task. I'm passed the typical "expiry date" for getting hitched.I guess a lot of people in my generation are going through the confusion of finding Mr or Miss right while dealing with the pressures of family wanting you to "settle down". This, on its own..is very stressful. Sometimes I'm unsure if I've been too picky and other times I feel I'm not picky enough.

I decided to try internet dating and am on the Desi Dating websites. I'm also dating the good ol' fashioned way and have also given in to Mom and Pops suggesting/fixing me up with this good boy or that one (modern version of the arranged marriage).

I feel like I've been doing this for YEARS now..but from what I hear once I find THE ONE it'll be all worth it. Kind of like how you have to go through the hell of labour to get a baby. Uh huh. Someone tell me where the hell my Epidural is? Don't blame me for being so skeptical and a tad bitter on the whole thing, but I've met my fair share (and then some) of freaky guys. I'm not that demanding. I've given up on the whole supermodel, John Abraham, desi god aspiration. I have no "must be a doctor/engineer/pharmacist" requirement. All I want is someone who can interest me enough to have a great conversation. A SOH that rocks. Someone who loves me..genuinely and truly. As you can see..I haven't yet given up on my romantic fantasy. (hey, I'm a chick. We can dream can't we?). I'm above average in looks. Never had a problem attracting desi or non desi men. Told I'm intelligent and funny. Have a great job. Then what's the problem? What is it that Desi Men really want?

As the years have rolled by, I found myself letting go of this or that on my ideal life partner checklist. And now I'm wondering whats left...someone who breathes and eats roti? I never want to be that girl who settled. I still am clinging on to the dream that someday I'll find someone who I love for everything that they are. But now the time factor is getting to me. I guess lectures from the family and now my married friends is making me feel like I'm going to have to suck it up and settle. Very scary thought..let me tell you.

I'm not sure if a lot of single indians are dealing with my dilemma. Trying to please the parents, trying to please yourself..but not getting pleased in the end.. What is the right thing to do? Where are you going to find this person? Still trying to figure the answer out, guys.

As for men..I feel everytime I think I figure out the eternal question "what men want", I get thrown for a loop. They tell me I'm perfect..they have never met anyone like me.. yada yada yada but something ends up missing in the end. I'm usually the one dealing with THEIR flaws while trying to keep them happy. I'm not sure if I'm doing this anymore to make things right or because I'm feeling if I lose them I won't have anyone else. I don't even want to use the word "desperation" because hopefully I don't want to reach that end of the road stage.

Well people, I'll end here for my very first post (I'm no longer a Blog Virgin!) , please feel free to comment on this. I'd love to hear whatever you have to say.